Kicking Back

I love birthdays.  I love celebrating and making the day special.  Not extravagant, but special.  I usually count down and get so excited as my birthday starts coming up on the horizon, but this year, between teaching and parenting it kind of snuck up on me.

Husband extraordinaire planned a wonderful weekend, as usual.  It is rather tricky to “kick back” with two busy boys, but we still had a great time.  Breakfast antics at home….

Time at  Codornices Park, chasing children while trying to grab a bite of yummy picnic fair and catch up with friends…

Manicure, pedicure and iced tea with my step mother in law took place in the afternoon without children!

And then Matt and I got to go out to dinner and even sit at the chef’s table at Wood Tavern in Oakland.  The chef’s table allows you to peer over and watch the chef cook amazing dishes, with great skill and unbelievable calm.  A true multitasking feat.

We spent today at  Picchetti Winery, again, chasing children while picnicking….

Managed to corral the boys long enough for a picture and some great hiking, seeing snakes, butterflies, lizards and…..according to Alex…..a mountain lion that jumped in a ditch when it saw us…..hmmmm….

(SNAKE!) 

As I wrote on Facebook today, “Claiming the ‘normalcy’ of today….Motherhood….Drew drawing on furniture with pens, taking everything out of every drawer when my back is turned cleaning up his last mess. Trying to restore order and cleanliness to one small corner of one spot in the house. White noise machine set to “aviary” on the loudest setting possible by Alex to help accompany my sorting. Grateful in the midst of it all—the screaming, mess & mayhem—because I know so many who long for this gift of motherhood and don’t have it yet.”

Everyday is similar when life spirals and centers around young children, even the “special”, high expectation-filled days, like birthdays and Mother’s Day.  We often hope for and dream of a perfect 24 hours in time.  Filled with child bliss, breakfast in bed, spa treatments and spring elegance.  And indeed, while some of those happened, nothing is ever as we quite envision or imagine.  I am finding that asking for what I want (scaled down, husband-created plans, red saltwater sandals, dinner out, a hike) is key.  Not demanding, but not sulking either. Savoring the madness, knowing there will be a day, not THAT far off, when I might not even be able to spend it with both boys, if they’re off to college or other pursuits.  Remembering through this all that many of my friends LONG for these moments of insanity, yet instead, struggle with infertility or haven’t found a life partner yet.

So, I find myself putting on my party shoes, kicking back when/if possible, soaking it in and rolling with the moment.  I am thankful for the love and thoughtful messages of so many, the rose and note from a student, my husband who truly is the best companion for each adventure and the promise of a fun week ahead celebrating my Mom’s birthday and Alex’s.  May is unfolding in its true glory.

 

Stage Fright

About a month ago, I happened to be scrolling through the blog of one of my favorite authors, Shauna Niequist, and happened to notice that she was scheduled to speak at a neighboring Presbyterian Church.  Amazingly, her speaking engagement fell on a day that was empty on the calendar.  I quickly emailed the leadership of the Mothering Together event and asked if I could “infiltrate” for the day and sneak in to hear Shauna speak.

I have shared many of Shauna’s thoughts and quotes on the blog (here, here, here, and here, to refer back to a few…) and find that her books are classics for me.  During my last book purge, I sold or gave away about 80% of my “collection”, but Shauna’s books were MUST SAVES and kept a prominent space on the shelf.  In fact, I used some of my credit from selling the many books to purchase her newest, Bittersweet, for my mom for Mother’s Day.

In my packing frenzy last night and this morning, I managed to get both books in my bag, hoping to ask Shauna to sign them.  One for me, and one for my mom.  I also wrote her a little card too….I’m seriously such a geek-a-zoid fan.  Well, I started saying silly things to my friend Val (who came with me to the event) and felt my pulse racing as I waited to meet Shauna and have her sign the books.  And in the freak-out “I’M MEETING SOMEONE I ADMIRE AND AM SO INSPIRED BY” moment, I got confused on which book to have her sign.  Cold Tangerines, the one I’ve post-it noted, dog eared  and underlined and highlighted is addressed to my Mom and the new, crisp, clean copy of Bittersweet is addressed to me.

Classic Me.  Deer in the Headlights.  Anxiety Ridden.  No eloquent words when needed…..Gulp.

Needless to say, she was so gracious, even agreeing to take a picture with me.

She read three excerpts from her upcoming book, Bread and Wine, “a collection of essays about life around the table, and the sacred and surprising things that happen when we open our homes and open our lives and connect with one another over food we’ve made with love and with our hands”.  It won’t be out until the Spring of 2013, but the essays she shared today were so good!

There were many memorable moments today, but the centralizing message was based on the truth of Paul’s letter to the Romans, the reminder that Life is better TOGETHER.  That we are called to choose honesty and truth telling vs. comparison, competition and isolation.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

~Romans 12:15

One of the three excerpts she read was also recently shared on her blog (Safety Goggles) and today it brought tears to many eyes in the room.  Please take a moment to click on the link and read it.  It was a reminder that we must manage the complexity of Joy & Pain.  As Paul said….to rejoice and to weep with one another.  When we are experiencing times of joy, it is hard to know how to reach out to those in grief.  And yet we are called to this as friends.  Called to enter in, into tender, weak and fragile places, and walk alongside each other.

I realized how deeply grateful I am to have amazing circles of women in my life who provide these safety nets for me.  I don’t think it’s irreverent to say that female friends are a key survival tool for parenthood.  Obviously, your spouse is crucial; the most important partner in crime for the journey.  But my women friends?!?!  Well, it’s just different. Yesterday, I received an email from a friend I met in 2006–our friendship forged when put together in a dorm room for a retreat.  The first night was a night of silence and we had JUST met and were told to be quiet for 12 hours!  WHAT!?!?  We broke the rules many times that weekend and I believe that forged our friendship.  She wrote, “You are in the thick of it with parenting.  You are in the most physically demanding time when you have to account for every second and care for every physical need – wipe that butt, make that lunch, read that bedtime book. It is so exhausting!“  On Monday, I chatted with a friend of eighteen years, and was given the gift of twenty minutes of connection time.  Over the phone connection, yes, but an oasis for me, nonetheless.

The lesson in all of this knee knocking, arm-pit sweating stage fright?!?  To reach out.  To share the truth of our experience with someone else, whether it be joy and celebration or deep sadness and grief.  To push through the fear and cling to the reality of connection found in true vulnerability.  I messed up today….Shauna’s signatures are inked permanently, incorrectly in my books.  But what can you do but laugh, knowing that I pushed through my stage fright, entered in, messed up as I am, and was present. It was a reminder—may we all take Paul’s message to the Romans and delve into it head first…..to rejoice WITH those that rejoice.  To mourn WITH those that mourn.

“Everybody has a home team: It’s the people you call when you get a flat tire or when something terrible happens. It’s the people who, near or far, know everything that’s wrong with you and love you anyways. These are the ones who tell you their secrets, who get themselves a glass of water without asking when they’re at your house. These are the people who cry when you cry. These are your people, your middle-of-the-night, no-matter-what people.”
― Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

Maintenance

Maintaining.  We all do it.  The need to keep things at the same level.  Often, that level isn’t realistic, but we push to maintain.  Whether is be a new exercise routine, an eating plan, staying up on the mountain of laundry, keeping our lists going at work, quickly emailing/texting or facebooking a friend to maintain the relationship.  We are encouraged to maintain.

DPP ’11 // December 23rd // Walking

It was LITERALLY freezing this morning, but I enjoyed a wonderful walk with three dear friends nonetheless…and a stop at Peet’s for some warm goodness on the way home.  Trust me, we look classsss-y in our fine attire.  Walking each morning, despite the early time and temperature, has been one of the biggest gifts to me.  Dear friends & conversation bring some sanity before the day implodes with kid frenzy fun.  Right after taking this picture, the door opened and Alex was standing there with his blanket to greet us.  No rest for the weary, I tell you!

Heart Melting & Racing

Be still my heart.  Came out to find this scene earlier today.  Alex had set up “CRAFTS” so that he and his playdate buddy, could have “CRAFT” time.  I love it.  In case you can’t tell, he adores the word “CRAFTS”.  Love that he was thinking ahead.  The teacher in me was beyond proud.  My heart melted a bit.

And then this keeps happening….

Lots of “exploring”.  Fiddling.  Getting into.  Adventuring.  Yesterday, I caught him eating a crayon.  Day before, opening a cabinet that has no handle.  Tuesday, he fell out of his high chair.  I left him for 30 seconds, heard a thud.  And that was that.  So thankful he waited for the ONE minute I was gone.   Clever.  It’s high alert time in these parts.  Almost 11 months, so….watch out world, Drew’s on the M.O.V.E.

(And yes, Mom/Moms-in-Law/Pseudo Grandmas—-he will be tightly strapped in from here on out.  Guilt.  Guilt.  Guilt.)

Downtime

How in the world is parenting and staying home with the munchkins so much more exhausting than working? I just don’t get it. But somehow, after All Church Camp, having a day without commitments is welcomed, but feared.  Part of me was hoping that spontaneously the preschool would call and ask all the Monday kids to come in today, Tuesday, for a make-up session.  Since that won’t be happening, we’re taking it slow.  Alex slept til eight, which NEVER happens. Sally napped and kept watch over Drew’s room during his nap….

We have made the three little pigs (face masks and smaller versions). Houses for each pig. Cars for each pig (Smart car, limo and school bus). A big bad wolf. Tables and chairs. All the while trying to keep Drew occupied, entertained and contained.

Needless to say, even downtime is busy. So, as we enter a new season, school year and era of kid development, I seek to figure out what downtime means for us at this point in time. Is it even realistic?

Drew laughs at the thought of “downtime”….

Needless to say, I’m carving it out where I can. 6am walks with the dog. Hot tub night with my girlfriends when the stars align and husband is home. Grocery store runs without kids. Quiet time, alone time, in the afternoon. A glass of wine with Matt after the house is finally quiet, before the first nightmare or potty run needs to be attended to. Planning ahead for a non-kid dinner out to celebrate a birthday, anniversary or maybe, just survival!

Because when days are filled with raspberries…

And outfits conceived and schemes created during time outs…..

Sometimes you just need someone to step in, love on and hold your kid…

So that you can keep perspective.

Rejoice

Is it REALLY August 29th?  And yet, how long it took for August 29th to roll around….

We’re rejoicing around here because the school year kicked off today.  In honor of the beginning of school, Alex suited up and ran a marathon, holding Curious George bandaids, today.

We had festive pancakes….

And then got right into the thick of “FUN!” at school….

Stopping long enough for a picture with Mom midst the exploration.

It has been a full summer.  A summer filled with trips, beaches, family, crawling (mostly Drew), fresh produce, and a break from the routine.  Hard to believe how quickly, though, it went from June to the end of August….

And so, we are rejoicing…the start to the fall routine!

My mind starts turning to crisp apples, pumpkins, butternut squash soup, sweaters, Halloween fun, cooler days.  This post by Maggie, at Gussy Sews, summed up all of my longings for autumn visually.

And yet, in the midst of rejoicing, there is always the flip side.  In the last 48 hours, 3 situations have brought me to my knees.  Friends going through pain, grief, and frankly, horrific situations.  Circumstances that for each, have forced them to truly lean heavily into God.  And to trust that God is there, in the darkness, the questions, the pain.  That God is there even when it feels completely void.

I look at myself, having hours ago LOST IT with oldest munchkin who LOST his NEW shoes for the first day of school, a mere two days after receiving them.  Running out the door, LATE.  AGAIN.  Bags flying behind me.  Coffee sitting on the kitchen counter, cold and untouched.  Angry and frustrated words flying.  And yes, even in these moments.  The everyday moments.  I so rarely choose to stop.  To breathe.  To love.  To calm my words.  To rejoice.  To rejoice?!??!?!

Despite the weight and heaviness of these moments {from the shoes to the funerals to the hard decisions to the impending life changing events} we are called to be community.  To ask others to “step inside our hearts” and be present, but “walk gently”.  This seems impossibly hard some days, yet also, one of the most immense gifts.  To be on the journey together, holding up one another’s arms when we just can’t do it ourselves.  Even Moses, MOSES!, realized this need when Amalek was fighting Israel.

Then Amalek came and fought with Israel at Rephidim. Moses said to Joshua, ‘Choose some men for us and go out; fight with Amalek. Tomorrow I will stand on the top of the hill with the staff of God in my hand.’ So Joshua did as Moses told him, and fought with Amalek, while Moses, Aaron, and Hur went up to the top of the hill. Whenever Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed; and whenever he lowered his hand, Amalek prevailed. But Moses’ hands grew weary; so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side; so his hands were steady until the sun set. And Joshua defeated Amalek and his people with the sword.

~Exodus 17:  8-13

Like Moses, we are called to lean on the community around us.  To let others in.  To walk together.  As heavy as my heart is today, I am rejoicing.  Rejoicing that friends chose to let me in, to hold up their hands, to walk alongside.  Rejoicing and joy, clearly, are so much deeper, longer, wider and more complex than happiness.  May our HAPPENINGS, then, not determine our response, but rather, a deep joy, birthed even in painful times, be at the root of our community and love and responses.

[Some of the quotes I used above were from Christopher Williams' song, These Days.  I first heard Christopher while I was back in college, working  with Young Life and have had the blessing of many concerts for the last 20 years.  Even managed to both be at the Storyline Conference in June together!  His music is phenomenal and I want to share one with you today.  Here's the lyrics to These Days.  Enjoy his talent and God-given gift.  {Because I'm lame and can't figure out how to get the song onto my blog, go to itunes store, type in "Christopher Williams, Side Streets Live, These Days" and take a little listen. }]

these days

Without confusion clarity brings nothing

Without questioning answers won’t bring truth

Without death life to its fullest will be lost like the innocence of youth

Without solitude community can do nothing

Without knowing ourselves we cannot truly give

Without finding that place so lonely our actions will be as empty as the lives we live

Chorus

Step inside my heart but walk gently

I know you’ve come a long way

Step inside my heart cause we need to be together

If we’re going to make it through these days

Without silence words lose their meaning

Without listening speaking cannot heal

Without reaching out towards one another

We’ll lose ourselves in what only we think we feel

Chorus

Without faith believing is foolish without doubt we cannot grow

Without time patience is useless and anger will only make itself more known

If I Wasn’t ____________, I Would Still Be ________ .

Man alive, life’s busy around here.  Prepared for and celebrated Alex’s 4th birthday and my parents come for a week vacation today!

This all is coinciding with a time of renewed alertness for our munchkin of the 7.5 mos variety.  He has seriously woken up to the world and is PRESENT, ready and raring to go.  My painful neck, back and arms prove this vigor and excitement {either that or my feeble 5:30am attempts at 24 Hour Fitness}.

Anyway you slice it, it’s busy.  My days aren’t filled with huge to do lists.  Might just be:  grocery store, unload dishwasher, fold laundry.  But small or mundane, it’s still a challenge while trying to keep Drew napping or entertained / away from outlets and power cords.

I read two amazing posts yesterday on the topic of “If I Wasn’t _____, I Would Still Be _____”.  Both written by women in similar circumstances, various hybrids of FTSAHM (full time stay-at-home moms).  And man, did they resonate.  Basically, thinking about the importance of understanding some aspects of your essential self, even if the season you’re in is largely overshadowed by a demanding role or obscured by some drama of its own.  My drama??….an almost 8 month old and a 4 year old.  Both are rather intense beings in their own rights.  Both are hilarious.  The oldest is a non-ending stream of entertaining comments these days.  Both can be draining (thank God they’re cute to make up for those “rip your hair out” moments!).  So when I say, “drama”, I don’t mean to be a drama queen about it. Just to say, I’ve been thinking about who my “essential self” is, the self that is still there, even though I’m in a different season these days.

Parenting one child was a new season, but I still managed to work and have a stronger sense of “vocational self”.  These days, I am realizing that I need to just say no to Craigslist, edjoin.org and the like.  These websites have become my daily check-in.  The starting blocks of my day.  I check, just to see if something catches my eye, figuring if I skip a day, that the perfect, part-time teaching position will pass me by and be snatched up by someone else.

Maybe this is my “rubber necker” moment.  Knowing I shouldn’t look, that looking will just “slow down traffic”, that it’s none of my business, that it doesn’t involve me, but looking nonetheless.  So, I’ve been thinking about this question, “If I Wasn’t _____, I Would Still Be _____ .”  For example, no matter what’s happening in my life, I’m still a faithful friend.  No matter what, I still celebrate important passages in the lives of the people I love.   No matter what, I still love to cook a fun meal inspired from Sunset Magazine.  I think you get the picture.

Last night, while out with some girlfriends, we were reflecting on the resilience required for our kids lately.  Maybe due to a move, job transition, school/friend changes, etc.  And then I started looking around at their faces, and the ones I’d seen earlier at a park play date and thought, “Man alive.  How did I get so lucky?!?”  We made this huge transition just over six months ago, and I am knocked down by the gifts of people God has put in my life.  Women, especially, at the same stage of life as me.  Women who can be reminders, even though they may have only known me for six months, of who I am at my core, no matter what.  And then there’s the women who have been in my life for twenty years….the ones I email at midnight saying, “Who am I again?!?”  The ones that still love me, and respond back with emails and calls even though I’ve asked that question countless times.

I’ve been seeing some similarities between Drew and I over this.  Lately, I notice a full-on obsession with his older brother.  {As you can imagine, Alex **hates** this…..um, no….}  He’s got the rubber necker syndrome too.  He is always doing acrobatics to observe, watch and find Alex.  I’m sure the minute he’s mobile {which is scarily coming upon us sooner than we realize!!!}, he’ll be glued to Alex’s every move physically, not just with his eyes.

So, how are you with this question?  Who is YOUR essential self?  Where is your identity?  Who are the people in your life that remind you of that….remind you that even if certain drama and life stages are going on, you STILL are ESSENTIALLY _________ .

I am guessing that focusing on my identity in Christ, surrendering to the stage I’m in, letting go of the job search for now and being mentally and emotionally present is the key to it.  When Drew just enjoys the moment, this is the look I see….

Call that look what you will, but for me, I see an acceptance of place and time and space.  And yes, I truly think almost 8 month olds can feel that acceptance….probably more than us “pulled together adults” many times.  Guessing that’s why Jesus told everyone time and time again to have faith like a child and that if we wanted to serve him, we should become like children.  So take some time to think about it today.  If you weren’t ______, who would you still be?

Sometimes overused, but such a truth to cling to….

I am confident of this,

that the one who began a good work among you

will bring it to completion.

~Philippians 1:6

To Infinity & Beyond

Birthdays are “lines in the sand” for me.  Markers of time.  Like a 4 year old, I look forward to and countdown the days until my birthday.  It’s kind of fun to have the attention on you and be the focus of the day.  I know that sounds really self-centered, narcissistic and really inapproriate to say, but I’ll admit  it here and be done with it.  Needless to say, Matt did a mighty good job giving me the best 37th birthday.  And, as you can see, Alex is trying to relive it daily.  He made me a special birthday dinner (see picture above) and since he didn’t have a cake in his wooden food repertoire, he found a picture of one in his cookbook to display.  Added candles (tea lights and huge ones) and set up all of my birthday cards.  So sweet….or maybe a hint of what he’s expecting Friday when he turns 4?

As I relished in the facebook, email, cards in the mail, & phone messages, I was so struck this year with the array of people God’s placed in my life.  Students from my teaching days.  Youth group kids (now ADULTS!) from First Presbyterian in Berkeley.  Friends from Breckenridge days.  Westminster Woods alumni, friends and campers (from the 1993-1996 era and then again from 2008-2010).  Teaching colleagues from Marin Elementary.  Friends from elementary, middle & high school in Olympia, WA.  And crazies from Western Washington University.  So many places and experiences.  The chance to be part of the lives of incredible kids, students, summer staffers, peers & communities.

And now, these 3 are my “to infinity and beyond” companions.

My superheros.

Doesn’t mean that the communities I’ve lived in, worked amongst and taught aren’t important or on my mind.  But life has just shifted.  Physically and emotionally and day-to-day.  Moments of creativity, acting and drama look a little different….

Camping looks a little different than at Westminster Woods….

Not sure why we didn’t encourage these guys to come to Sherwood….

I’m sure a Scottish Smurf, an astronaut and Mickey Mouse would have loved camp.

Some days I get very nostalgic for birthdays past.  For locations, experiences, life-stages of years gone by.  But I know that being present in the here and now is the gift and challenge I’m am called to embrace.  A year ago, I would have only had a faint inkling that this would be my reality….

I mean, I KNEW I was pregnant and having a baby and all….but didn’t have those dear hands and feet to kiss and squeeze.  Didn’t know his name.  Hadn’t yet beheld his effervescence.  Didn’t know he’d be born on October 11th.

So for my 37th year, I’m going try and be more in the moment than I’ve managed over the last 36.  I’ve still got a clipboard and fun notebook attached to my person most of the time.  That’s just inevitable.  But, the goal is to look around a bit more.  To savor.  To invest deeper.  To listen.  To breathe and relax when possible.  To laugh (rather than cry!) at the absurdities that surround me.  No matter where life takes us as a family, the transitions we still have in front of us that I can’t even fathom, I want to enjoy it with these companions.  Even though school and “growing up” will take our boys away from the home front sooner than I realize, I hope that they will always feel a place of welcome and love with Matt and I.  That they will want to celebrate life’s moments, big and small, with us, knowing that we are as joyful as they are.

I know I use quotes from Shauna Niequist’s books all the time.  But I just can’t help myself.  She’s just so good.  Read this last night and want to share it…

“Today is your big moment.  Moments, really.  The life you’ve been waiting for is happening all around you.  The scene unfolding right outside your window is worth more than the most beautiful painting, and the crackers and peanut butter that you’re having for lunch on the coffee table are as profound, in their own way, as the Last Supper.  This is it.  This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events.  But pull off the mask and you will find your life, waiting to be made, chosen, woven, crafted.  You and your family and your friends and your house and your dinner table and your garage have all the makings of a life of epic proportions, a story for the ages.  Because they all are.  Every life is. 

You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural.

You are more than dust and bones.  You are spirit and power and image of God.  And you have been given Today.”

A little of this, a little of that….

It’s been hot potatoes in these here parts lately.  Wednesday was supposed to be the hottest and then Thursday trumped it, hitting, if not surpassing, the 90 degree mark.  So, staying cool has been paramount…in addition to being busy and away from the house, since it’s get a paint face lift.  The big “reveal” will come soon.  So glad our landlord agreed that a paint job was in order!

Most of these pictures tell the stories themselves, but be sure to look for…

• Alex’s Ortega Park outfit (swim gear, plus a knit dog ski hat)
• Playdate with the Grauperas and DeVries clan.  Just to put it simply.  Five kids.  2 weeks, 7 months, 18 months, 2 years and 4 years.  I love the shot where you see four of the five and a hand coming from the left.  Drew luckily stayed in one piece.  Alex also was very into Tara’s Toys R Us catalog (go figure) and helping Nathan explore his latest obsession…..garbage cans.  Alex’s face in the 3 picture series is pretty priceless.
• Playdate with Gabby and a BIG bug.  Love that she’s getting ahold of her contacts to report the news on Alex’s toy cell phone.
• And the Mother’s Day tea at the preschool.  Adorable singing.  Adorable teachers.  Adorable kids.  Sweaty moms (hot day, paparazzi camera tendencies….what are ya gonna do?!?).  Adorable spread of kid-made sandwiches and rice crispy treats.  Matt even snuck in to keep Drew in check.

Enjoy your weekend!  I’m off for an early bed time on a Friday night.  I’m showing my age.

sidenote:   If there are any pics you’d like to get a closer look at, just click on the picture and it will enlarge to full size resolution.