Nourishment

Any parent tends to think about nourishment now and again—-or maybe every meal, snack and bite that we prepare for our kids.  Are we cobbling together enough to keep them satisfied?  The right balance to ensure healthy growth?  And even more important, do we manage to eek out a **FEW** meals that provide nourishment  for something deeper—connection with family over the table through conversation, however disjointed it might be.

I love this quote from Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s Gift from the Sea.  In case your reader or blog feed won’t let you read the words in the picture above, here’s the quote again:

A good relationship has a pattern like a dance and is built on some of the same rules. The partners do not need to hold on tightly, because they move confidently in the same pattern, intricate but gay and swift and free, like a country dance of Mozart’s. To touch heavily would be to arrest the pattern and freeze the movement, to check the endlessly changing beauty of its unfolding. There is no place here for the possessive clutch, the clinging arm, the heavy hand; only the barest touch in passing. Now arm in arm, now face to face, now back to back — it does not matter which. Because they know they are partners moving to the same rhythm, creating a pattern together, and being invisibly nourished by it.

Often the nourishment we need and seek can not be found through the means we employ—-holding on tightly, possessively clutching, touching heavily.  In fear, left to our own ways, we too often think we can nourish relationships through control.  Lindbergh reminds us that the pattern that can be created, the dance to be experienced is so much richer, moving, beautiful and **nourishing** when we let go and move to the same rhythm, not necessarily the same steps.

I am finding myself in a season that can often feel parched, dry and endless.  Like childbirth, I think I blocked out the emotional and mental stamina needed to parent a 2 year old.  They are relentless.  Today, I savored 2 hours of alone time by deep cleaning our bathrooms with Clorox.  What does that tell you?!?  I’m **nourished** because I can clean in peace without interruption?!?  What is this world coming too??  Night after night, we are suffering through sleep issues with the boys—one is suffering from night terrors and the other from bad dreams.  I often feel like they are tag-teaming, planning out a new and devious scheme to keep me from shut eye and the nourishment of consistent sleep.

I write this here to remember, to remind myself that one day they will sleep through the night.  One day they will both be capable of entertaining themselves so I can get some other chores done.  One day I might have enough stamina to do more that survive each day til I can plop on the couch at 8pm, exhausted.  Maybe, one day….

How do we find nourishment in these moments—-moments when I don’t even register what would BE nourishing.  How do we provide nourishment for our children?  True rest when fears and dreams fill their heads?  Meals that satisfy when their picky likes and dislikes prevail?  Time of connection and conversation and bonding when our own eyelids are heavy and our hearts are tired?

Lately, I have tried to remind myself that all of the “screaming” voices of culture (aka Pinterest & Facebook), are not the end all, be all.  Sometimes, turning on the sprinkler as the temperature soars into the 90s is necessary.  Maybe embracing the school’s spirit week—wearing mustaches, Hawaiian gear, baseball garb or super hero outfits makes all the difference.  Could nourishment surprisingly be found walking in the walk-a-thon in 90 degree heat?!?  Yes, maybe even there.

I wondered what this stage would look like in my life—parenting two boys, being a “stay-at-home-mom”, keeper of the calendar, diaper changer, dishwasher unloader, dinner maker.  Sometimes those moments, as much as I’d like to hope, don’t feel life giving.  In the midst of the exhaustion, I seek out hope.  Hope in something much stronger and firmer than food, experiences and memories.

I keep seeing images before me…reminders that even when I want to cry and pitch a temper tantrum….

….that it really makes more sense to call on friends.  To enjoy some time away from the bunnies.  There is no guilt in that.  Pure nourishment.

How do the kids find nourishment?  Alex wears his winged shoes.  Drew dances out in the rain. (or wears a Davy Crockett hat….obviously)

And some moments, under and through and in between the chaos, there are glimpses at these PEOPLE we are raising.  Encouraging our boys to love with abandon.  To shower others with flowers and love.  To write their stories.  To look out into the world and see “outside” themselves.  To be men of adventure.

At Open House, we got to see Alex’s work from Kindergarten.  It was surreal to attend Open House as a parent, and not a teacher.  To see his self-portraits from August and May and observe the growth that has unfolded.

These moments, if we pay attention, nourish.  It’s like that “goo energy gel” that you suck down on a long run.  You slurp down some reality and it energizes.  A chance to gain perspective and see we are raising PEOPLE.  No huge surprise, but a truth often lost in the day-to-day survival of parenting.

I’m not sure if mine will end up a politician, a pizza delivery boy, a mattress salesman, a smoothie maker or comedian…..

….but in the moments where I cling hard in control, desperately seeking nourishment, running on empty—-it’s time to look them in the eye.  See them for who they are and enter the dance and help them create the unique pattern that they are weaving with their lives.

And then pray to GOD that they sleep through the night just ONCE this week!

White Flag

Ever have a day, or DAYS?, where you want to surrender, to feebly raise the white flag and just collapse back on the ground, letting go? I am realizing that I have 2 year old amnesia. Until I go back and look at Alex’s 2 year old scrapbook, I forget the challenges we faced that year—-and frankly prior at 18 months continuing on through age 3. There is so much joy at this age. Language multiplying each day. Opinions shared. Nooks and crannies (and cabinets and closets and off limits spots) which beg to be explored. Friendships forming, bonds strengthening with siblings. Personality strengthening.  And yet, it’s hard.  The first of many attempts to separate & individuate.

I find myself constantly surprised and caught off guard. I might walk into the kitchen, mere feet from Drew, with some dirty dishes, returning 30 seconds later to a table full of salt, expertly poured out. I take a minute to go to the bathroom and if I’m lucky enough to have 2 minutes of privacy, I return to find him standing on a folding chair, outside, reaching for a marshmallow roasting stick on top of the BBQ. Yesterday he was standing on the garbage can in the bathroom, despite childproof door locks, “brushing his teeth” with Matt’s toothbrush covered in “tooth paste”, aka…hand soap.

We are 80% of the way through our spending fast (but who’s counting?!) and I have to say that I am so thankful that tonight, due to a purchase back in December, before the fast was even an inkling in our minds, I bought us tickets to see Josh Ritter in concert. I wrote about our last concert with Josh here, and absolutely LOVE his new album. Take a read of the note he posted on March 5th, the day the album released.  How can you not love this man?!?

The gift of an evening away seems like the richest of luxuries. Time spent away from the boys is exactly what we need, having no idea the perfect timing back in December.

Is it ok to take a break? To ask for help? To surrender and admit that you just don’t have the bandwidth to keep on keeping on? YES, YES, and YES. And yet, it is an admission that most of us (cue me, waving my hand wildly in the air) hate to make. I’d rather “hold it together” while fuming inside, ready to blow, than admit I need help. We encourage and coax our children to just “ask for help” rather than having a temper tantrum, yet we rarely can do the same thing ourselves.  Or we unleash this toxic energy on those we love most.

Photographs and instagram feeds can tell one story. And that story isn’t fake or untrue. Each day is filled with hilarity. With beauty. With memories, creativity and real joy.  So I am posting a few pics of the past week.  A reminder that there is a balance to be known.  Times to sink deep and be present.  Other chances to wave the flag, surrender, ask for help and even take a break.

So….share on….what do YOU do after you finally raise that flag of surrender?  How do you recharge and reboot?  Glass of wine?  Phone call with a friend?  Hour alone at the beach?  A trashy magazine while sitting outside?  Cooking an elaborate meal?  I’m guessing the list could be a mile long.  Hello to Spring and new growth, life and light.

Bills and Fun Magazines….the yin and the yang even infiltrates our mailbox!

Dinner Outside….one of the gifts of California living.

Hats….oh, the hats.  Think I might make a calendar of the many “Hats of Drew” for 2014.

Leprechaun Traps for Kindergarten….

Super fun for the kids, but as the parent, glad this project is OVER! 

Gardening & Weather Predicting….in a classy getup.

Fun with Friends and Grandma at the Oakland Zoo

Brotherly Love (aka:  ANTICS)

A Consumption Experiment

As a family we are embarking on something really scary tomorrow. It is my own fault as I suggested the possibility and am pretty much the one shaping what it will look like. I am already second guessing myself as I get emails or invites to go places and do things and find myself having to say “no” or think of modifications. As Lent approaches and as 2013 unfolds, we are taking on a Spending Fast. I have read and heard about similar ideas in the past. A few years ago, we gave up Target for the month of January. In the past, I have gone on sorting and purging binges, attempting to drastically reduce our consumption and “stuff hoarding”.

Most recently I read about this idea for a spending fast from Rachel at Smile and Wave. Her post entitled, “On Staying Home and Liking It” was an eye opener and pushed my head out of the space it’s been inhabiting lately—-one of complacency, purposeful “foggy understandings” of our finances and lack of discipline and transparency with spending.

Now that I am not contributing to our finances with a paying job, I feel like now, more than ever, I need to have a real life, experiential time of practice. A chance to feel the painful process of letting go of money’s “comforts”. I was recently re-reading sections of Jen Hatmaker’s cut-to-the-gut book Seven: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess. In this hard hitting book, Jen and her family take seven months to work on seven areas, from Media to Clothes to Food to Money, focusing on letting go of greed, materialism and indulgence. I know, before this spending fast even begins, that Hatmaker’s insights are going to be hard truths to face. That I will miss the convenience and camaraderie of consumption. The fact that buying is directly connected to connecting & community. The truth that we often connect hospitality with the expediency consumerism allows.

To connect with others, my planning will need to revolve around free options. It is often easier (or more exciting!) to imagine meeting a friend for coffee than invite them over for tea at your house. When looking at an “open day” with my 2 year old, dropping by Target for one quick thing ends up with a $100 shopping spree for “necessities” I didn’t know I needed. When monotony of weekdays unfold, it seems best to connect with others at spots that charge entrance fees. Instead of depending on connection and community in those places, I will need to get creative. Online I have seen some great lists to get me going on the brainstorming—-

• playing at the park
• the Library (one that is already a big habit for us, although with cold and flu season in full swing that toddler play area, while AWESOME, feels like a hot bed of snot and potential illness…can I get an “amen!”?)
• play dates at our house or friends’ houses
• inviting friends over for coffee & tea while the kids run wild in the backyard

• picnics, walks

• picking and using free fruit from friends’ trees!  (thanks, Marlene!!)

• candlelight dinners (candles make mac and cheese and hot dogs much more enticing, right?!)
• camping in the backyard (in February??)
• hiking
• board game night (with modifications for a two year old in the mix!)

• taking turns planning a free adventure, surprise day
• making pizza or popcorn at home for Friday night movie night
• doing a puzzle together (again, an interesting prospect with Mr. 27 Month Old…)
• watching butternut squash roast (or maybe that’s just fun for Drew?!?)

In her post, Rachel shared another site, one which inspired she and her husband to try the spending fast in the first place. This post, linked here, describes the plan in detail and gives tons of practical explanations and details. One of things made clear in these posts is the difference between needs and wants. Wants will be the “off limits”, cry myself to sleep (ha ha!) types of things I have to say “no” to—–

• gifts
• coffee dates
• clothes
• shoes
• trinkets
• toys (aka: the infamous Target $1 section)
• new make up
• eating out (I predict this will be PAINFUL…I should be more positive, but just guessing this will be a toughy)
• movies out and Netflix, new music or books (and yes, that means no itunes or Kindle purchases)
• no decorative house stuff.

Needs? The things I’d rather ignore and not pay, but must?  I know there will be others, but these come to mind off the top of my head:

• Rent
• Utlilties
• Cell Phone
• Food (thinking we could even consider a pantry week or two, which we have tried previously….this article is a great one sharing about one family’s experience for SEVEN weeks, eating solely from their pantry….eep!)
• Doctor’s Co-Pays and Medicine
• Car Payments and Gas. 

I assume that I will have many thoughts (not all of them pretty) to share in the weeks to come and no, it’s not lost on me that I chose the shortest month of the year to spring this on the family. 28 days vs. 31? Yes, please! In all seriousness, I am sharing about this fast here on the blog in hopes that it provides some accountabillity for me and a place to share about the process. I anticipate many challenges, but also hope to share the benefits we find too, the money saved (hopefully!) and what changes we might decide to keep into the future.

Have you ever done a spending fast? If so, what tips do you have to share? Insights to give? Free outings and entertainment to suggest? Starbucks and Peets gift cards to give??? (um, no….)

And here we go….game ON!

Hoping this process will help me see the beauty in what already surrounds me…because seriously?!?  Dominoes?  My love of color and order goes a little on overload here. 

My Word for 2013….

I have LOVED reading retrospective blog posts from many friends over the last week.  I knew I needed to spend some time doing the same for my own sake….time to look over pictures, think back to the many ways God has been present and moving in my relationships, family, day-to-day life.  It is so easy to forget and that is often the precise reason why I write here….to remember.  Back in March, I was reading the Little House series with Alex and one of the books ended with a phenomenal idea.  The concept that “This is Now.”  Laura is asking her father about “Auld Lang Syne” and its meaning.  As I wrote back in March, “Pa is playing the girls to sleep on his fiddle and goes into a rendition of “Auld Lang Syne”. Laura, like me, inquires, “What are the days of auld lang syne, Pa?” And frankly, I was really glad she asked that, because I knew Alex would as well and I’d be fumbling for a clear answer.

Pa answers, “They are the days of a long time ago, Laura.” And then promptly tells her to “Go to sleep, now.”

But, Laura’s thoughts and reflections hit me tonight as the book closed. Here is the text:

“But Laura lay awake a little while, listening to Pa’s fiddle softly playing and to the lonely sound of the wind in the Big Woods. She looked at Pa sitting on the bench by the hearth, the firelight gleaming on his brown hair and beard and glistening on the honey-brown fiddle. She looked at Ma, gently rocking and knitting.

She thought to herself, ‘This is now.’

She was glad that the cozy house, and Pa and Ma and the firelight and the music, were now. They could not be forgotten, she thought, because now is now. It can never be a long time ago.”

I absolutely LOVE this piece.  The reminder that “This is Now.”  Now is to be savored. Lived in. Experienced.  It has been a “battle cry” for me this year.  A daily push to be focused on the life that surrounds me.  So this year, in 2013, my word is going to be “TODAY“.  I want to focus on what lies in front of me for that day.  Not to worry about yesterday, the days long ago or the unknowns ahead.  But to focus on today.  I hope to blog about this topic at least once a month—obviously EVERY post is about “today” in a way, but I also hope to be purposeful about reflecting on it here as well.

2012, you were full.  As I look through pictures, I am reminded of so many nuances, moments, conversations, events, trips and foibles.  I pulled some of my favorite pictures and memories to share below—-more for myself than anything else.  A little holding place to remember.

Highlights of 2012!

Managed to read a few books {favorites:  Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin, Mary Oliver Poems, Still by Lauren Winner, Love Does by Bob Goff, & All is Grace by Brennan Manning, to name a few}

Morning walks and runs with a friend {and our surprise happening of waiting in line one morning at the new Boudin Bakery and winning bread for a year!}

Going vegan, gluten & sugar free {and relapsing back to normal eating….ahhh—-2013, redeem us!}

My mom’s group, MOPs

Re-entering the teaching world and making some incredible new friends in my colleagues

The SF Giants winning the World Series!!!!!!!!

Reading some fun book series with Alex {Little House on the Prairie, Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe, Ramona books}

Family Trips to Carmel, the snow, Carpinteria & Santa Barbara, Stinson Beach & All Church Camp

Fun, frivolous TV {FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS!, Downton Abbey, Call the Midwife, Amazing Race, PARENTHOOD!!!, Glee, Project Runway, Bachelorette and Top Chef}

Preschool Concluding for Alex and the start to Kindergarten

Weekly Friday Night Movie Nights at home

Meeting Shauna Niequist and Deb Perelman {authors I LOVE!}

Teaching VBS again

Concerts & Nights Out {Notes & Words in Oakland was a special highlight–seeing Anne Lamott, Michael Chabon, Kelly Corrigan & Cake and going to the Lion King with Alex in the City for our surprise Christmas gift}

Beginning seeing a spiritual director and starting counseling {EVERYONE SHOULD DO BOTH OF THESE….LIFE CHANGING!!!!!!}

Going to my 20th High School Reunion in Washington

Dressing up as a Star Wars family for Halloween

Vitamix Smoothies and MESSES

Coffee Fun…especially enjoyed moments at Verve in Santa Cruz!!

Train obsession for Drew, LEGO & Star Wars obsession for Alex

Cooking Projects

Art Messes and Creations

Brother Antics

Drew’s Legendary Hair

Birthday Adventures for all Four of Us (Camping Party, Train Party, Surprises for my 38th and fun in Santa Cruz for Matt’s 43rd)

Swim Lessons for Alex

The Olympics!!!!!!!!!!!!

Babies being born to friends {and a few special ones to come in 2013!}

A wonderful {kid-free!} trip to the East Coast for a wedding and phenomenal memories with my husband

The sadness of events in the world, but finding hope in the small moments {especially Spirit Week at Alex’s school the week after the tragedy in Newton, CT and memorials for some dear friends that passed}

Visits from grandparents and countless hours spent {by them!} watching & playing with the boys…so much to treasure in these relationships.

I am hoping for a few things in 2013…some of which will need a lot of willpower and intention…

Monthly date with each of my three boys individually

Focus on “today”

Practice photography

Read 12 books (Pride and Prejudice being one as it hits its 200th birthday this year!)

Run a 5k

Make time for quiet and prayer every day (however short the time might be)

Eat green everyday

*****************************************

What about you?  What are you hoping for in 2013?  What were your “favorites” of 2012?  Looking forward to remembering that “where I am”, as Barbara Brown Taylor writes below, it the goal.  Consent to be—Joy to be—-right where I am, today.

“No one longs for what he or she already has, and yet the accumulated insight of those wise about the spiritual life suggests that the reason so many of us cannot see the red X that marks the spot is because we are standing on it.  The treasure we seek requires no lengthy expedition, no expensive equipment, no superior aptitude or special company. All we lack is the willingness to imagine that we already have everything we need. The only thing missing is our consent to be where we are.”

~Barbara Brown Taylor

dpp 2012 :: december 4th :: the straw that broke the camel’s back

Tonight I was editing the few pictures I managed to get today and this image caught me off guard.  When I snapped it earlier, Alex and I were in the middle of our Advent Calendar activity for the day, making salt dough ornaments.  {in case you are looking for another resource for Advent calendar ideas, here is my link, shared last year, with lots of options, including the salt dough ornament recipe}  We had rolled out the dough, cut the first batch of ornaments and they were waiting for holes to be created so they can be hung—-thus the straw.  Do you see what caught my eye?  That straw….sitting awfully close to that camel’s back? Was the straw ready to hatch an evil & malicious plan?  Or was it just a matter of coincidence?

Like so many of you, no doubt, there are many opportunities for life to tip from its precarious precipice.  Each day is filled with moments that can “almost” break us.  We raise our shoulders up to our ear lobes, straining and stressing to keep our breath steady and hold everything together.  Or at least, give the illusion that “All is calm.  All is bright.”  And sometimes, it isn’t.  Once in awhile that straw does just happen to break the camel’s back and we are undone.

During this season—not just Advent & the holidays—but the season of parenthood and life in general—I find myself so grateful for community.  The people in my life that are there not when I even get to the bottom of my bandwidth or end of my rope.  It is those that step in and offer grace before I even know the straw broke that camel’s back.  Confidants that remind me what really matters, today & in the past & looking towards the future.

Last year, I know I shared Shauna Niequist’s post about Christmas.  It is phenomenal (here it is in its entirety).  But I will copy the mantra she shared on her blog last year as a reminder—hopefully helping each of us catch ourselves before that straw and camel becomes a game changer.  And maybe even have enough reserves to do the same for those amazing folks around us.  Breathe in and out, say it over and over.

Present over perfect.

Quality over quantity.

Relationship over rushing.

People over pressure.

Meaning over mania.

Consent

“No one longs for what he or she already has, and yet the accumulated insight of those wise about the spiritual life suggests that the reason so many of us cannot see the red X that marks the spot is because we are standing on it. The treasure we seek requires no lengthy expedition, no expensive equipment, no superior aptitude or special company. All we lack is the willingness to imagine that we already have everything we need. The only thing missing is our consent to be where we are.”

― Barbara Brown Taylor, An Altar in the World: A Geography of Faith

 

Consent and permission is such a part of my daily life. My two boys look to me regularly, often with a little mischief hiding behind those lashes, asking for my consent. They want permission to do something, eat something, go somewhere or play with some item. Always a process of asking for consent. Children, unlike us, “evolved” adults, often find themselves happily treasuring and seeing the rightness of the red X that marks their spot. They observe, test the waters & often find great pleasure in the ordinary.

Yesterday, my willingness to consent to be where I am was NOT working out so well. As is our habit, we {and by “we”, I especially am referring to my oldest son} start dragging out the Christmas tubs as soon as the turkey has hit the refrigerator. We spent Friday in Oakland instead, though, so the decorating was to happen on Saturday. Matt got our fake tree out of storage and began to assemble it…doesn’t that sound so cozy and homey?!? Putting together the Christmas tree?

And with great sighs of “please, no”, we realized that three big sections were dark, even after the plugs were turned on. The following few hours involved finger splitting and bleeding light removal while keeping the youngest out of all the ornaments that eldest had unleashed on every flat surface in sight. Lights were finally removed by 3:30pm (three hours later) and new lights put on by 5:30pm…only 2/3 lit. We still need to get more lights today and then will hopefully get ornaments on eventually—-only to be removed by our resident 2 year old, no doubt.

On Thanksgiving Even, upon seeing the set table, Drew kept saying “Cool. Awesome.  Wow.” Looking at the moon in the night sky that same night, he stopped, looked up and again sighed, “Cool…..Awesome.  Wow.” He looked at that tree yesterday, 1/2 lit, unadorned, and reflected with those same words, “Cool. Awesome.  Wow.” He also added in “hot” for good measure. We shall see how this season goes tree-wise.

Despite all the chasing, boundary-setting and time outs for Drew as of late, I am so often struck by his willingness to be in the moment. To be willing to treasure the now. To look down, realize he is standing on the figurative red X and jump up and down with vigor, clapping his hands and saying, “YEH!!!!”

As Advent draws near this week, I am preparing to prepare. To open my eyes to what is already around me and plant my feet there. To keep things simple this season. To plan for spending lots of unplanned, yet intentional time here. Being present in the moment. I love the daily traditions of easing into Christmas and focusing on the true meaning of the season, realizing as Barbara Brown Taylor reflected, that I already have what I need. The recollection, turning back to see that squeezing in every, single, solitary opportunity is empty, draining and not worth it. With a plan in place, I hope to be ready for what could happen, but willing to let it go just as easily.

Yesterday, a new response occurred. My eldest, usually hell-bent on getting the tree decorated immediately, let go of his stubborn frustration. I think seeing my bleeding fingers and sweaty face as I removed burnt out lights for hours gave him pause. My neighbor even brought over a bottle of wine! But, we let the tree be what it was to be—-unfinished. We all went to bed with the tree—-unfinished. That almost makes me sweat to type. Ornaments are still out, waiting to be put on. It was lit up in out window last night….only half lit. Baby steps, this holiday season, baby steps. Baby steps to get back to that red X that marks the spot I’m already standing in. To consent to be where I am.

Mille Bornes

Even today, thirty years later, I remember playing many rounds of Mille Bornes with my family.  Our version was “vintage”, with the original 1962 artwork and style.  Here’s a little preview of the game as I remember it from childhood.

I picked up the modern version of the game a few years back, hoping to rope my son into playing, being that the car theme would be enticing.  The premise of the game is that you are in a road race, attempting to get a certain distance, using mileage without being waylayed by speed limits, accidents, empty gas tanks, flat tires and stop lights.

Alex and I decided to rally for a game (or two or three) yesterday during Drew’s nap.  It was the first time he attempted to hold his own six cards and play without an adult partner.

A certain someone woke up and decided to observe….

Alex won…aka, I “miscounted” by 25 miles so that he won.  I know I shouldn’t make sure that he always “wins”, entitlement and all, but sometimes, you just fudge the rules–or my ARITHMETIC–a bit.  {I heard you, Billy Clinton}

I love sneaking pictures of these ordinary moments (and the ones of temper tantrums and crying too, just to keep it real).  Alex typically has no clue.  I just keep the camera on the table and sneakily click away while we’re working or playing or chatting.  I love the faces and moments this type of photography captures.  Drew decided to “man” the discard pile.  He kept asking inquisitively about “choo–choos”.  What game about transportation could ever be created without TRAINS in mind, people?!?!?

Before I really realized what was happening, Alex was rocking forward on his chair and face planted into the side of the table.  Shortly thereafter, while getting Mr. Bump to take care of his quickly growing welt, Drew managed to shimmy onto the coffee table and when asked to get down, SAT down….but missed the table and hit the floor, head first.

It is what it is.  A calm afternoon (a rarity), a measurable about of time on a focused activity (another rarity) and two head injuries within two minutes of each other (NOT RARITIES).

We live in this tenuous balance day-to-day.  A world of hazards, remedies and safeties, as Mille Bornes calls them.  We fear the unknown hazards up ahead.  We try to store up remedies to take care of ourselves when the $#*% hits the fan.  We greedily grab “safeties”, promises we can’t be touched by the hazards that could hit at any unknown moment.  And even when we win, even when we get past the finish line, thinking we’re safe, we can still tumble over and knock ourselves silly.  I know for certain that this is the lesson and truth in life that God is trying to get through my thick skull.  Pain and challenges are just part of life.  We can’t predict when and where they’ll hit or strike.  And even God himself isn’t our “safety”.  We don’t cling to the remedy card, believing God’s plan is just to patch us up and save us.  God is so much bigger than that.  I know this in my head.  Most days, I find it hard to believe it truly in my heart to the point I live from that starting point.

So, we’re going to start a little gratitude project at home.  Being the teacher, with or without a job right now, I still couldn’t pass up 25 cent composition journals during Office Max’s Back-to-School sale.  It’s my hope that we can use those, one for each of us, to record some reminders of grace and gratitude.  For Alex, who is starting his own journal journey in kindergarten, he might moan and groan.  Who knows, but I’m ready to give it a go.  The research proves that naming places of thankfulness and gratitude increases our happiness.  And I for one, know that increased happiness wouldn’t be the worst thing.  I’m thinking it might just help me let go of my grip on the hazards and focus on the reality of the here and now.

“In ordinary life we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich.”     

~Dietrich Bonhoeffer

(thanks for the quote from Dietrich, Leila!!)

love the LOVE

“To love God is to love the Love that grounds Everything.

Without it, we love only in parts and with preferences.”

~Father Richard Rohr

Thank you, Anne Lamott, for reposting this Richard Rohr quote this morning.

I needed the reminder…the Truth that Love is not based on my preferences or my partiality, but on a Love that infuses every interaction, conversation and moment.                    A Love that ground Everything.

And this week, that is going to be largely a reminder with my kids.  Balancing work, children, doggie day care needs and basic meals/home maintenance as a solo parent freaks me out each time.  Luckily, there are many who stand in line to be that LOVE when I feel overwhelmed or at the end of my rope.  Whether it be Girl’s Night watching the Bachelorette and having some wine or offers to run errands or hilarious texts or emails to keep me smiling or (BEST ONE….) PARENTS visiting!!!!

Loving my kids without preference (and to clarify…the preference is usually ME!, not one of them over the other) is tough many days.  I am praying for strength to love without parts.  Without preference.  Without partiality.

…even when Darth Vader is breathing on my face at 5:30am asking when I’ll be done sewing his cape.

On that note, does anyone have a costume sitting around that you’d like to share?!?

“Spring” Cleaning….What do you plan to do?

I love a clean and organized house.  Sometimes, however, GETTING to the clean and organized house is just more than I can handle.  I know, deep down, that I will feel better when things are put away and the excess is purged and dealt with.  Arriving to that place takes my head to a dark place, though, and I put it off.  When I think of this quote (and OH, how I love this one by Mary Oliver!), I am overwhelmed by the list of what I want to do with this wild and precious life.  And then when my chiropractor suggests not lifting heavy things (she knowingly laughs, having met my two boys…..)—

—well, that’s just impossible.  And sitting on my back, with ice on my bulging discs….when report cards call?  Dinner needs to be made?  So, spring cleaning?  It’s on the back burner.  Drew’s attempting to clean and organize our oranges, but that’s about it.

Amazingly, in between the rush to get Alex off to school the other morning and get over to my school for the End of the Year Olympics, Matt and I each got our bedroom surfaces sorted, cleaned and cleared off.  And just that ONE area attended to has created a   little spot of calm.  Whenever I pass the spot, I can breath a little easier and not feel quite so much anxiety….for a moment.  Even though this little area of “spring cleaning” came in June, I’m ok with that.

Drew has hit the twenty month mark and it is a sweet combination of a few recognizable words, and many UNRECOGNIZABLE ones!  He is mimicking and attempting to make us laugh.  Exploring every nook and cranny not closed off to his inquisitiveness.  Large mood swings pervade, especially on Friday afternoons when he’s been at school and slept minimally and comes home to a tired mom after teaching mayhem.  And many attempts at “helping” mom with the dishes, laundry and especially, as of late, vigorously sweeping, fill our days at home.

We had the gift of celebrating Father’s Day at the preschool last week, and today, will be the End-of-the-Year “bubble ceremony” in Alex’s class. My last teaching day with students is tomorrow and then after some final checklist completion, I will be done as of Friday.

With all these endings comes, summer.  The time of fun-filled, carefree days to commence.  Outdoor lunches with friends (and LEGO Star Wars sticker art GALORE….we love you Auntie Doris and Uncle Todd!).  Opportunities to jet off to parks with visiting friends (had a fun-filled day at Ardenwood with the Wrights, in from EGYPT!, today).  Picnics, face painting, balloon hats, cotton candy, sno cones, jumpy houses and water fun (last week’s All Church Picnic was a hoot).  A million and one things to try in the new VitaMix.  Too many Pinterest projects to even begin attempting, although I knocked out a silhouette project last week that’s been entertaining Drew!

Summer is going to be busy.  We are only planning one week away, but with work continuing on and the boys in summer school, I’m already feeling the crunch.  Not enough time to squeeze in the things that sound fun.  Too tight to have lazy, unplanned days, let alone finish some “spring” cleaning, now SUMMER cleaning, projects.  And then that pesky Mary Oliver quote creeps in….what ARE you going to do with that one precious and wild life?!?  Stress?  Clean?  Make to do lists?  Work feverishly?  Or squeeze in as many days of memory-making laziness and spontaneity as possible?  Putting friends and family first?  Prioritizing watermelon and s’mores over perfectly sharp 7pm bedtimes?  I say a hearty, “YES!”

This one precious and wild life is not meant to be spent worrying, fretting and regretting.  My spring cleaning has to include finding a new foundation not built on the things that I have turned to for stability….the false things that don’t hold up.  Time to look towards the new routines, commitments and season and embrace it for what it is.  To keep my head up and looking outwards at those around me, watching for the wild and precious life unfolding.  Not to fear the past, or be anxious about the future, but to be in the middle, in the “in between time” and live into the wildness and preciousness of it.  A challenge for sure, but one which I am trying more and more to step into.

Happy Summer and Happy Spring Cleaning!

Please take some moments to listen to this week’s sermon by our head pastor, Steve….it’s all about the middle….the “before and after” I was just alluding to….GOOD STUFF!

THE PREPOSITIONS OF OUR FAITH – Before and After: Hemmed in by Grace by Rev. Dr. Steve Harrington on May 13, 2012 from Sunnyvale Presbyterian Church on Vimeo.

Today–and everyday–You Are Epic.

{I was asked by a few folks to write a note of encouragement for some dear friends who are graduating soon and looking towards transitions.  I am re-posting it here today.  I hope Lauren Winner’s words from her latest book, Still, will be an encouragement and “charge” to us all.}

Today is your big moment.  Moments, really.  The life you’ve been waiting for is happening all around you.  The scene unfolding right outside your window is worth more than the most beautiful painting, and the crackers and peanut butter that you’re having for lunch on the coffee table are as profound, in their own way, as the Last Supper.  This is it.  This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events.  But pull off the mask and you will find your life, waiting to be made, chosen, woven, crafted.  You and your family and your friends and your house and your dinner table and your garage have all the makings of a life of epic proportions, a story for the ages.  Because they all are.  Every life is. 

You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural.

You are more than dust and bones.  You are spirit and power and image of God.  And you have been given today.

~ Shauna Niequist

Transitions are BIG.  They are huge.  They create stress, sweaty palms, panicked breathing and bad dreams.  Transitions also provide opportunity.  Chances to step into the unknown.  Opportunities to look into “nothingness” and imagine.  To dream.  To wonder and to move out into the void.  The challenge is to move into the in between time and trust that you aren’t going to be left alone.  You may feel alone.  You might look around one day and wonder where your support system disappeared to, questioning when that job offer is coming or what you should do next.

But wait.  Sit.  Don’t rush.  Be OK with loneliness.  Lauren Winner wrote some amazing thoughts on loneliness in her most recent book, Still.  I love that she concludes the passage with, “Sit with the loneliness and ask what the loneliness has for you.”  There will be times of loneliness.  There will be moments when the everyday mundane feels oppressive.  But as Shauna wrote above, there is nothing quite like today.

Today, whether it be a grand, memorable moment like high school or college graduation, or just a basic, expected “nothing” day, is meant to be BIG.  “You are spirit and power and image of God.”  Live into that and be—more than dust and bones—be “a story for the ages” of “epic proportions”.  You are a treasure.  Know that deep down.  That even in the lonely moments, you are loved.  You are treasured.  You are EPIC.

With Love,

Christine