Stage Fright

About a month ago, I happened to be scrolling through the blog of one of my favorite authors, Shauna Niequist, and happened to notice that she was scheduled to speak at a neighboring Presbyterian Church.  Amazingly, her speaking engagement fell on a day that was empty on the calendar.  I quickly emailed the leadership of the Mothering Together event and asked if I could “infiltrate” for the day and sneak in to hear Shauna speak.

I have shared many of Shauna’s thoughts and quotes on the blog (here, here, here, and here, to refer back to a few…) and find that her books are classics for me.  During my last book purge, I sold or gave away about 80% of my “collection”, but Shauna’s books were MUST SAVES and kept a prominent space on the shelf.  In fact, I used some of my credit from selling the many books to purchase her newest, Bittersweet, for my mom for Mother’s Day.

In my packing frenzy last night and this morning, I managed to get both books in my bag, hoping to ask Shauna to sign them.  One for me, and one for my mom.  I also wrote her a little card too….I’m seriously such a geek-a-zoid fan.  Well, I started saying silly things to my friend Val (who came with me to the event) and felt my pulse racing as I waited to meet Shauna and have her sign the books.  And in the freak-out “I’M MEETING SOMEONE I ADMIRE AND AM SO INSPIRED BY” moment, I got confused on which book to have her sign.  Cold Tangerines, the one I’ve post-it noted, dog eared  and underlined and highlighted is addressed to my Mom and the new, crisp, clean copy of Bittersweet is addressed to me.

Classic Me.  Deer in the Headlights.  Anxiety Ridden.  No eloquent words when needed…..Gulp.

Needless to say, she was so gracious, even agreeing to take a picture with me.

She read three excerpts from her upcoming book, Bread and Wine, “a collection of essays about life around the table, and the sacred and surprising things that happen when we open our homes and open our lives and connect with one another over food we’ve made with love and with our hands”.  It won’t be out until the Spring of 2013, but the essays she shared today were so good!

There were many memorable moments today, but the centralizing message was based on the truth of Paul’s letter to the Romans, the reminder that Life is better TOGETHER.  That we are called to choose honesty and truth telling vs. comparison, competition and isolation.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

~Romans 12:15

One of the three excerpts she read was also recently shared on her blog (Safety Goggles) and today it brought tears to many eyes in the room.  Please take a moment to click on the link and read it.  It was a reminder that we must manage the complexity of Joy & Pain.  As Paul said….to rejoice and to weep with one another.  When we are experiencing times of joy, it is hard to know how to reach out to those in grief.  And yet we are called to this as friends.  Called to enter in, into tender, weak and fragile places, and walk alongside each other.

I realized how deeply grateful I am to have amazing circles of women in my life who provide these safety nets for me.  I don’t think it’s irreverent to say that female friends are a key survival tool for parenthood.  Obviously, your spouse is crucial; the most important partner in crime for the journey.  But my women friends?!?!  Well, it’s just different. Yesterday, I received an email from a friend I met in 2006–our friendship forged when put together in a dorm room for a retreat.  The first night was a night of silence and we had JUST met and were told to be quiet for 12 hours!  WHAT!?!?  We broke the rules many times that weekend and I believe that forged our friendship.  She wrote, “You are in the thick of it with parenting.  You are in the most physically demanding time when you have to account for every second and care for every physical need – wipe that butt, make that lunch, read that bedtime book. It is so exhausting!“  On Monday, I chatted with a friend of eighteen years, and was given the gift of twenty minutes of connection time.  Over the phone connection, yes, but an oasis for me, nonetheless.

The lesson in all of this knee knocking, arm-pit sweating stage fright?!?  To reach out.  To share the truth of our experience with someone else, whether it be joy and celebration or deep sadness and grief.  To push through the fear and cling to the reality of connection found in true vulnerability.  I messed up today….Shauna’s signatures are inked permanently, incorrectly in my books.  But what can you do but laugh, knowing that I pushed through my stage fright, entered in, messed up as I am, and was present. It was a reminder—may we all take Paul’s message to the Romans and delve into it head first…..to rejoice WITH those that rejoice.  To mourn WITH those that mourn.

“Everybody has a home team: It’s the people you call when you get a flat tire or when something terrible happens. It’s the people who, near or far, know everything that’s wrong with you and love you anyways. These are the ones who tell you their secrets, who get themselves a glass of water without asking when they’re at your house. These are the people who cry when you cry. These are your people, your middle-of-the-night, no-matter-what people.”
― Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

“Wink From God”

My friend via the blogosphere (and my husband’s friend in real life), Tracey Morris, is a phenomenal photographer and writer.  I eat up her posts, both for the stunning visual images and pictures painted with words.  Yesterday, she posted some gorgeous shots of poppies.  And yes, as a 4th grade teacher in California, California Golden Poppies, the state flower, make my heart pitter patter a bit.  She wrote in her post yesterday, “They are one of the first signs of spring here and they announce her arrival with their bursts of golden tangerine blooms. I am not kidding, they truly bring joy to my heart when I spot my first one.”  

So today, as my friend and I set out on our bi-weekly, crack-of-dawn walk, I decided to keep my eyes open for spotting a poppy patch.  Needless to say, the sun hadn’t even risen, and in the darkness, I never spied any of the florescent blooms along the route.

Weird thing happened, though.  Right as I hugged her goodbye after we finished our walk, I looked down and saw my own little poppy.  Embedded into my shoelaces.  WHAT?!?!  How in the world did that even happen??  We didn’t walk on a trail.  We were on concrete sidewalks.  No clue.  But there it was.

Craaaaaazy.  As as Tracey wisely replied when I wrote to tell her about the odd happening, “That is a total wink from God!”

And so, this response, and my dumbfoundedness, begs the question, “does God have a sense of humor?!”  Who knows, but as Anne Lamott writes, “laughter is carbonated holiness”.  (Taken from Katherine Willis Pershey’s guest post on Emmerging Mummy today.)  And sometimes, when things “come together” in an unexpected, and seemingly impossible way, you just have to laugh.  Some might call it strange.  Or weird.  Or perhaps, an odd coincidence.  For me, I think it boils down to looking for God in the circumstances we find ourselves in.  Looking and being intentional about seeing coincidences through a different lens. And listening for God’s laughter and watching for his wink, even in a California Golden Poppy and a stinky hiking shoe.

California Golden Poppy, Point Bonita, Marin Headlands, May 2006

Beach Poppies, Ano Nuevo near Pescadero, May 2011

Feeding Joy

Today, thanks to Groupon!, I was able to attend a wonderful photography class with my friend, Suzanne.  One of my goal set back in January for 2011 was to work on using my camera’s full range of features.  If a photograph turns out how I envision it, it’s typically due to pure luck.  Seriously, no skill.  I think I have an eye for composition, but the technique??  Clueless.  My dad has tried to rectify this by getting me books, DVDs, and giving me tips.  All to no avail.  But today, we sat down for class and the instructor revealed the plan for the day.  The words “aperture, f-stop, shutter speed, bokeh, depth of field, white balance, iso….” came on the power point presentation and I knew I’d entered the perfect spot for me.

Then, the unthinkable happened….they had a drawing for 3 gift certificates.  And of all the people in the class, Suzanne and I BOTH won one of of them!  I was beyond giddy.  So, thanks to a discount and gift certificate, I now will get to go out in the “field” (don’t I sound technical!??!) and take another class.  YIPPEE!!!

I took pages and pages of notes and now need days upon days to practice and figure out where all the buttons are to control these things.  It’s enough to make me break out in a cold sweat.  Figure the boys will provide lots of opportunities to try fast shutter speeds and various portrait compositions!

Upon arriving home, Alex was feeding his own joy bank.  Swinging.  Matt rigged a great swing from our tree out back and seriously, Alex would be happy swinging on that thing for HOURS…”Just ONE more time, Mommy! ……  How ’bout just ONE more, PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE?!?!?”  all the while laughing uncontrollably.

Grandpa Kerry came back for another go at the play structure which is really taking shape.  We took a few “WOE” breaks to watch four 6-prop planes come in over our house heading to Moffett Field.  Alex supervised Grandpa and Dad, but also the painters who were back today.  The house is painted, the gutters up, and now the garage is prepared for paint.  Should be completed by Monday.  Happy Mother’s Day to me and thank you to our wonderful landlord!  Alex got some great time with the neighbor kids, totally in his element making sure everyone had a ball to play with {thanks to Grandma LeiLei’s Santa’s Christmas gift, each child in the neighborhood could have had TWO to enjoy}.  Drew supervised the automatic vacuum, aka “Neato”, squealing with delight.

So fun to sit back and observe what feeds each of us differently…..

a project to be completed by hand with hard physical labor
chatting it up with the neighbors
supervising and sharing “suggestions”
sitting in the shade, enjoying the cool dirt (that was our furry friend, in case you’re wondering….)
swinging
loud, self-moving vacuums
learning new techniques and skills
heart glasses (thanks, Vivi!!)

Many things are pretty ordinary.  But it’s often in the ordinary that we are fed joy.

Hospitality

I haven’t posted for almost 10 days.  That’s a long time of silence for this Chatty Cathy.  But before I realized it, I turned the calendar over to February and realized that my dear friend Doris’ wedding was mere days away and thus….I didn’t have much time to post here.

But something really delightful and amazing happened for me during my time “off the mainland” celebrating Doris and Todd’s marriage.  Even though Doris and Todd were incredibly, beyond belief, generous to each and everyone who traveled to be at the wedding and surrounding events….something deeper kept hitting me smack dab in the face.  Hospitality.  Hospitality oozed from these two.

Aren’t they so cute???  Yes, they just got married, so who couldn’t help but be happy and joyful and beaming and skipping and….well, you get the picture.  But, both Doris and Todd went out of their way, numerous times to make each and every person feel important and loved.  And this hospitality wasn’t just a show for the wedding weekend.  That’s just who they are at the core.  It is part of their heartbeat.  The minute Doris laid eyes on Drew, she kept taking him so I could eat or just sit unencumbered.

She made sure to package up gummy favors for Alex who didn’t come with us for the wedding {but was graciously cared for by my in laws….hospitality again!!!!!!!!}…

As I experienced it myself, and watched others take it in too, I felt and saw a lightening of spirit for each and every person.  One might chalk it up to the Maui, hang loose, tropical breezes mentality.  But for me, it was clear that their hospitality and love allowed others the freedom to be present in the moment.

This hospitality was extended to us as a family too in two distinct ways.  Back in the summer, when Doris called me to share the news of the wedding location, Matt, Alex and I were in Portland on our summer, post camp escape/vacation.   Immediately, I thought to myself, “Of course we’re going!” and then all the impossibilities started creeping in.  We toyed with all sorts of permutations….we could sadly decline, just send me, send me and the baby, send just the baby and Alex {just kidding!}, send only Matt and me.  The list went on and on.  And yet, Leila (my step-mother-in-law) and my Mom kept insisting on a few things.  Leila graciously offered (and had to keep re-offering ’til I finally accepted) to take Alex so we could go with just the not-yet-born-at-that-point baby.  My mom and my friend Natalie were the two that kept saying that Matt and I should both go because we’d have survived many transitions by that time and would need a little breather together.  So, maybe without realizing it, they all offered me/us hospitality as well.  The grace to let others serve you and take care of you.  And I don’t know about you, but that’s HARD for me to accept sometimes.

I feel like I have lost my hospitality bug over the last few years and this trip reignited my desire to be filled with it again.  Not the “Martha Stewart on Steroids” type.  Instead, the kind that exudes warmth, joy and presence with those I’m around.  Sometimes that’s really hard with two kids under 4 years in tow.  Typically I’m struggling with a stroller or getting/keeping them quiet enough to carry on a conversation most of the time.  And then guilt rises up in me and I feel like a HOSPITALITY FAILURE.

Rather than using all that as an excuse, I am trying to remember that what Todd and Doris did this weekend was offer a deeper hospitality.  A hospitality that went beyond meals, luaus and gummy bears.  They were truly offering themselves as a place of rest and refreshment.

Today, I noticed Alex trying to do this for Drew in his own 3 1/2 year old way.  Drew’s teething has reached new PITCHES these days, and Alex is doing everything in his power to help him–offering toys and such to chew on.  But today, I watched him let Drew gnaw on his hand for over 5 minutes.

So I guess it’s becoming clear to me that hospitality can and needs to look different at various stages in our lives.  Maybe it is offering a cup of tea to a friend and a place to let our toddlers go crazy or maybe it’s offering your hand to be gummed by a 4 month old.  Guess it just comes down to listening and looking and being aware of the places and ways God is calling us to live and be in our own unique situation.  Let the “aloha” spirit flow….and many happy adventures ahead to the newlyweds!

Love

“Justice at its best

is love correcting everything

that stands against love.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

This time of year I get very nostalgic {even more so than usual!} for Room 18 at Marin School.  I loved coming back from winter vacation, knowing that a special homework packet was about to hit the kids’ desks.  In 4th grade at Marin, students were asked to memorize and present poems on various topics each Friday.  This routine and practice was a highlight of my teaching week.  We’d clean up from Math Stations and restore the room to order and support each other in the anxiety producing poetry presentations.  In honor of MLK’s birthday, we would have an entire homework packet that spanned two weeks and focused on his speech.  Students memorized a huge chunk for the Friday poetry presentation, took a vocabulary test on tricky words so that they actually KNEW the meaning of what they were memorizing, and did a story board creatively illustrating portions of the speech that “spoke” to them.

As many times as I’ve heard kids reciting the speech, it doesn’t grow old.  Martin Luther King encapsulated so many truths that are foundational to how we should be operating as individuals and as a society. It’s my opinion that approaching this day off, we should take 17 minutes and remember why we YOU get to sleep in (who am I kidding…we have a toddler and infant).  Listening to MLK share his heart is powerful.

May his words motivate us to action and may that action be rooted in love.