Kicking Back

I love birthdays.  I love celebrating and making the day special.  Not extravagant, but special.  I usually count down and get so excited as my birthday starts coming up on the horizon, but this year, between teaching and parenting it kind of snuck up on me.

Husband extraordinaire planned a wonderful weekend, as usual.  It is rather tricky to “kick back” with two busy boys, but we still had a great time.  Breakfast antics at home….

Time at  Codornices Park, chasing children while trying to grab a bite of yummy picnic fair and catch up with friends…

Manicure, pedicure and iced tea with my step mother in law took place in the afternoon without children!

And then Matt and I got to go out to dinner and even sit at the chef’s table at Wood Tavern in Oakland.  The chef’s table allows you to peer over and watch the chef cook amazing dishes, with great skill and unbelievable calm.  A true multitasking feat.

We spent today at  Picchetti Winery, again, chasing children while picnicking….

Managed to corral the boys long enough for a picture and some great hiking, seeing snakes, butterflies, lizards and…..according to Alex…..a mountain lion that jumped in a ditch when it saw us…..hmmmm….

(SNAKE!) 

As I wrote on Facebook today, “Claiming the ‘normalcy’ of today….Motherhood….Drew drawing on furniture with pens, taking everything out of every drawer when my back is turned cleaning up his last mess. Trying to restore order and cleanliness to one small corner of one spot in the house. White noise machine set to “aviary” on the loudest setting possible by Alex to help accompany my sorting. Grateful in the midst of it all—the screaming, mess & mayhem—because I know so many who long for this gift of motherhood and don’t have it yet.”

Everyday is similar when life spirals and centers around young children, even the “special”, high expectation-filled days, like birthdays and Mother’s Day.  We often hope for and dream of a perfect 24 hours in time.  Filled with child bliss, breakfast in bed, spa treatments and spring elegance.  And indeed, while some of those happened, nothing is ever as we quite envision or imagine.  I am finding that asking for what I want (scaled down, husband-created plans, red saltwater sandals, dinner out, a hike) is key.  Not demanding, but not sulking either. Savoring the madness, knowing there will be a day, not THAT far off, when I might not even be able to spend it with both boys, if they’re off to college or other pursuits.  Remembering through this all that many of my friends LONG for these moments of insanity, yet instead, struggle with infertility or haven’t found a life partner yet.

So, I find myself putting on my party shoes, kicking back when/if possible, soaking it in and rolling with the moment.  I am thankful for the love and thoughtful messages of so many, the rose and note from a student, my husband who truly is the best companion for each adventure and the promise of a fun week ahead celebrating my Mom’s birthday and Alex’s.  May is unfolding in its true glory.

 

You. Are. Loved.

Today, I’m guest posting over at First Day Walking, my dear friend, Mihee’s blog.  She is doing a wonderful series on Motherhood Mantras and I had the gift of being asked to share.  

When walking down College Avenue in Oakland last month, we popped into the cutest store, Nathan & Co. It was one of those “DANGER! DANGER!” moments after crossing the threshold—seeing WAY too many things to tempt my meager resolve. This beautiful reminder, though, was free, and painted on the wall…You. Are. Loved.

Go here, to Mihee’s space, to read the rest. (and poke around and read as much as possible—-she’s an incredible writer & thinker!!!)

Eight

Today marks eight years of marriage for Matt and I. Last year I posted about our journey. Here’s a link to that post for some fun pictures and stories.

I love that this email was in my inbox this morning from my friend Jessica (whose 9th anniversary is tomorrow!)…

Hello dearest friend. Just wanted to wish you a very, very happy eighth anniversary. I hope you get to celebrate by sleeping in late, having a quiet morning chatting with Matt and reflecting on the year together, followed by a long and leisurely gourmet lunch, followed by an extended afternoon nap and a coffee date, followed by…. Oh wait. This was some sort of alternate reality that I was thinking about! Congratulations anyway!

DPP ’11 // December 28th // First Day Walking

My dear friend, Mihee, has an amazing blog called First Day Walking.   Mihee has been one of the richest gifts in my life for the last eight or so years.  My husband may claim that he’s responsible for Mihee and I meeting {she, her husband Andy, Matt, and many others shared the Princeton Seminary experience together ten years ago}, but I am convinced she and I would have met up somehow, even if it weren’t for the crazy men.  Mihee talks here about why she chose the name for her blog, but it immediately came to mind today.  There is much to be seen in the halting, timidness of one’s first steps, and the many foibles that come for the remaining years of our lives.

But today, I had the gift of actually seeing Drew’s SECOND first steps.  The first ones happened earlier in the day with Grandma LeiLei, but I managed to capture a pretty good segment later this evening.  Here’s the proof….

And it all got me thinking…Matt, Alex and Sally are gone for a few days up at Matt’s Mom’s house.  I am allergic to her fun new puppy like there’s no tomorrow, so I stayed home with the Drewmeister.  As I mentioned, we had pages of lists to accomplish.  And man alive, is it easier to get things done with only one kid and no anxiety-ridden dog in the mix.

So, a few reflections….

With only one child, there is some sweet opportunities for connection we don’t normally get.  I’m realizing that once Alex starts Kindergarten next year, this will happen even more.  And I’m not embarrassed to say that I’m looking forward to that time.  Alex had our full attention for 3 1/2 years before Drew came on the scene.  So, in some ways, that will carve out some of his special, alone time.

Is it coincidence that he really started going for it with walking when there wasn’t competing attention around {aka….a rather “involved” brother}??  Not sure, but as I watched Drew go to town with his spaghetti tonight, so focused and independent,  it got me thinking.  Then…get this……he was taking his bath and I started singing the clean-up song and he picked up ALL the toys, put all the stacking cups in order, put all the pirates back up on the bathtub wall, squeezed the water out of all the squirty toys and put them on the side of the bath tub, all the while bouncing to the song I was singing and then clapping when he was done.  WHAT!?!??!  Seriously?!??!  Just so interesting to watch.  {FYI:  this does NOT happen when big brother is in the tub}

As we move into January soon, I have the gift of attending the wedding of some dear friends, former summer staffers we worked with.  They asked me to share a bit about marriage {THIRTY seconds-ish, people….short!}, and I have been thinking through a lot of things, wondering what to share.  As the last few days have unfolded, I have felt kind of weird.  Like part of me is missing.  It is so odd to go from a family of four/five (the dog FEELS like family member number 5!) to just two of us—and he can’t even talk!  I have thought about the gift of time apart, though.

time with Grandma LeiLei today while Mom had lunch with three girlfriends here (YUM!)

(a busy boy is a happy boy is a tired boy….)

I think time apart, while hard in so many ways, gives us the opportunity to see things in ourselves that were pushed aside.  Or, as happened with Drew, maybe even have enough space to learn and explore a new skill set.  The more we sit with our own selves, which is often a hard and painful process, the more we are pushed to know our selves, to deal with our selves, to confront our fears, to think through what we want or which areas we need to grow.  These are not easy things to process and often are raw and take effort.  But what I have seen for so many others, and also for myself, is that these times apart make me a stronger member of the team, the family, the marriage and the friendship.

Luckily, as Mihee points out, when we ARE all together, there is even a gift in the stumbling.  In the times when things don’t go as planned or desired.  For it offers a chance to “embrace it for the grace-full story that comes out of the falling flat on [our]  face[s] at so many levels.”

 

p.s.  And then there’s the PURPOSEFUL, planned falling….proof of what the three Gough boys do when they have too much time on their hands.

 

Downtime

How in the world is parenting and staying home with the munchkins so much more exhausting than working? I just don’t get it. But somehow, after All Church Camp, having a day without commitments is welcomed, but feared.  Part of me was hoping that spontaneously the preschool would call and ask all the Monday kids to come in today, Tuesday, for a make-up session.  Since that won’t be happening, we’re taking it slow.  Alex slept til eight, which NEVER happens. Sally napped and kept watch over Drew’s room during his nap….

We have made the three little pigs (face masks and smaller versions). Houses for each pig. Cars for each pig (Smart car, limo and school bus). A big bad wolf. Tables and chairs. All the while trying to keep Drew occupied, entertained and contained.

Needless to say, even downtime is busy. So, as we enter a new season, school year and era of kid development, I seek to figure out what downtime means for us at this point in time. Is it even realistic?

Drew laughs at the thought of “downtime”….

Needless to say, I’m carving it out where I can. 6am walks with the dog. Hot tub night with my girlfriends when the stars align and husband is home. Grocery store runs without kids. Quiet time, alone time, in the afternoon. A glass of wine with Matt after the house is finally quiet, before the first nightmare or potty run needs to be attended to. Planning ahead for a non-kid dinner out to celebrate a birthday, anniversary or maybe, just survival!

Because when days are filled with raspberries…

And outfits conceived and schemes created during time outs…..

Sometimes you just need someone to step in, love on and hold your kid…

So that you can keep perspective.

Submerge

Vacation! Clearly everyone needs and craves a break. A break from the routine. The Normal. The office. The everyday.

And thus, I feel immensely grateful for the week which lies ahead. On our first night here, Alex exclaimed, “Is there a church here? Is Daddy going to go there to work this week???!!!”. This wasn’t stated in disdain, just matter of fact. And indeed, what a treat to share with him that nope, this week is all about the four of us being together.

In some ways, I have been looking towards this week with apprehension. Whether fearing gallons of ingested sand by the littlest (which has already happened!)…

Or temper tantrums and battles of will with the eldest (which has already happened as well)….

As much as our budget should have forced us on a “Staycation”, I am so thankful for a change of scenery. As a stay at home mom, I feel like I have a lot of time to explore and visit places nearby. And frankly, a new location forces everyone to be on neutral ground, not resorting to the patterns of our day to day lives. To submerge into something new, and unknown became my battle cry….

I have always had a bug for travel, no doubt due to my parents’ planning and urging while growing up. Something clicked during my first years as a teacher, single and without a family. It became a time to live frugally, save with purpose, and then convince friends to go on a big, multi week adventure…..across the United States, road trip style; to England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland; to Italy, twice (once single, and once again, married with three other couples) to France and finally, to Austria, Switzerland and Germany. Each trip was so distinct and memorable. I think we took the term submerge to a new level, with travel guru Rick Steves at the helm! We went from museum to museum, restaurant and market to market, art galleries to offbeat coffee shops, wineries to bakeries to historic relics. Glorious!

But to submerge today means something altogether different. To submerge, jump in, explore and immerse ourselves involves getting to know the local parks, planning our day around nap times, making sure to have string cheese and apple juice boxes packed in the bags before departure. As much as it looks different to travel these days, I wouldn’t trade this new “normal” for anything. In the past we have met up with friends or had family join us for part of our trip, but this time, it just didn’t work out. That arrival of new blood is always welcome. So much more fun to go to the playground with friends or have Grandma and Grandpa spell us so we can enjoy one meal out. Last year we enjoyed breakfast at our favorite spot in Manzanita, Oregon…not pricey and crazy sheik, just no kid balancing.

(breakfast and the paper at Bread and Ocean in Manzanita….I seriously think about this place on a daily basis!)

Because we don’t have anyone to join us this week (unless someone wants to join us for a day trip or overnight!?!? Haha….), I tried to be intentional about planning ahead, greatly due to my friend Krista’s urging. After returning from a recent vacation and not feeling too relaxed, she gave me some much needed tips.

First off, she reminded me not to throw the schedule out the window. To be flexible and open, yes, but to keep a general framework in place. Thus, the “Nap Supervision” chart came into being.

To allow for one-on-one time with Alex, the eldest. He doesn’t get that as much these days with a newly mobile baby on the loose. So, to plan for that, make time for it, and make it special.

Third, to make sure each of gets time alone, sans kids. Even though we can’t have time for the two of us alone, it still is important, even for extrovert me, to have some alone time. So, the schedule allows for this each afternoon, every other day.

I know this may seem really Type A of me, and it IS!, but…it takes the guesswork and negotiation out of the equation and makes a clear plan. Plans can always change, but at least there’s a plan to work from.

Fourth, do research ahead of time on kid friendly places, things to do and places to eat. I know we won’t hit everything, but at least we have a place to start from. Whether it be a fantastic u-pick farm (which we have worked in each summer on our beach trips), local playgrounds or kid friendly beaches, or the weekly schedule for the Farmer’s Market, I am purposely note taking and planning for months prior to the trip.

It has been great so far….48 hrs in….love the adventures, sand, laughs, sand, sunsets, sand, pace, sand….we’ll see how the next few days unfold! Would love to hear your tips for vacation success, knowing fully well that each year, with new developmental milestones, will make for new joys, challenges, plans and adventures. And yes, guessing 99% of you would recommend flexibility. Thus, why we have Drew sleeping in a closet–makeshift third bedroom!

Alone Time

taken in Santa Cruz while on a 24 hour hiatus with my friend Elena, sans kids & hubby

My dear friend Lisa posted this interesting article on introverts yesterday.  As previously mentioned here in this little blogospheric space, I am into personality types and find the whole subject-matter fascinating.  Especially ironic in that I, an ESFJ, married an INTP in the world of Myers Briggs testing.  You don’t need to know the whole ins and outs of the test itself to see that each of our four letters are opposing.  And that means that we’re both pretty different.  In fact, as different as the test can determine.  But I love that.  I think that we are perfectly matched though.  We approach the world and life and people and work and parenting in different ways, but all the fun stuff seems to be pretty similar.  From art to travel to what’s really important in life (French Roast coffee, obviously), we tend to be right in sync.  I think that our kids will benefit from these core differences, but “taste” similarities.  That, or they’ll pit us against each other to get what they want.  Hmmm…..more on that in 10 years.

Anyhow, I’m an extrovert.  As a parent, however, I find myself much less extroverted than previously in the sense that I am not energized by groups of people anymore.  I am just tired these days.  My friend Suzanna described this phenomenon so clearly today, that I’m just going to send you to her blog to get a sense of WHY my undereyes are always black, my hair disheveled, my words incoherent.  And due to this current stage of life, I find I don’t just crave, I REQUIRE, alone time.

I have been reading countless books and blog posts on engaging fully with your children.  Putting down the ipad, cell phone, email to be emotionally, physically, fully present.  I agree with this philosophy and see the amazing benefits.  It just makes sense.  Who wants their kids to grow up believing that their parents’ computer or cell phone is literally an apendedge??

But I noticed something today.   And it came in the weirdest of ways and places.  I had nothing on the calendar and was a little fearful what the boys and I might do to each other if left to our own devices.  Thrilled at a picnic playdate, we jetted off to Washington Park to meet up with friends for a bit.  About 15 minutes in, I noticed a lovely brown streak and odor coming off of Alex.  He had been crawling around with his Viking Ship and crawled in dog poo.  EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.  Love these moments.  Of course.  Only 3 wipes in the diaper bag.  No extra clothes.  Crawling infant.  Anxiety ridden dog.  These are the times when one is grateful for friends who can cover while you’re cleaning up life’s messes.

Anyhow, once we eventually got home, I stuck Alex in the tub and closed the doors on Drew in the play room while I tried to clean up the many messes.  Drew contentedly played with his toys for over an hour (I joined him after 10 minutes of cleaning, don’t worry, Grandmas….).  Alex played rocketship in the tub and then got out, got dressed and built an 2 story house with his loft bed for an hour.

I might have been a teacher, even with preschoolers for a year, but I don’t really know the ins and outs of child development.  

But what does this all say about “alone time”??  

Do we all need it, extroverted or not?  

Are we more creative and resourceful when left to our own devices?

 Do we push through frustrations and dead ends when we have no one to fall back on?  

And how does this all relate to children?

Alone time just isn’t going to be in my vocabulary or reality for the next year or so, no doubt.  Alex craves “close to people” time 24/7.  He is as creative as all get out, but needs someone shoulder-to-shoulder creating alongside him.  That coupled with a mobile infant/toddler who NEEDS constant supervision to  keep from dirt ingesting, complete house destruction, and injury, makes for a very active existence.

And yet—-I am trying to maintain a few SAFE, alone moments for each of us.  My gut, developmental theories aside, is that it is important and necessary, whether introvert or extrovert.  That this time alone does indeed lead to more creativity, balance, and sanity.

When wondering about this whole concept, it is pretty comforting that even Jesus, who is perfect, being in relationship with God, still needed to take time away, to be alone.  In Mark 1:35, “Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.”  This little passage comes right after Jesus has been on a healing marathon.  And right before he is off to calm the stormy seas, and freaked out disciple passengers.  Not much of a break….because frankly, when people needed him, wanted to be in communion with him, he didn’t say no to them.  He was all about people and loving them.  Even when it was “inconvenient” or when he was taking a break.  Rather sobering to see that Jesus’ break was to pray, not watch “Project Runway” on Hulu.com while nursing a cup of ice water with lemon slices.  DANG.  But, breaks, he took.  To refocus.  Re-connect.  Re-energize.  Breathe.

And now that this little patootie is TEN MONTHS (how did that happen????), I’m going to try and find that balance for all of us too.  Alone time to ground each of us, in our different stages of life.  Helps me appreciate the gifts of family and community all the more and have enough bandwidth to actually laugh about dog poop mishaps, rather than cry.  Happy Ten Months, Drew….so grateful to spend lots and lots of TOGETHER time with you, sweet bunny.

To Infinity & Beyond

Birthdays are “lines in the sand” for me.  Markers of time.  Like a 4 year old, I look forward to and countdown the days until my birthday.  It’s kind of fun to have the attention on you and be the focus of the day.  I know that sounds really self-centered, narcissistic and really inapproriate to say, but I’ll admit  it here and be done with it.  Needless to say, Matt did a mighty good job giving me the best 37th birthday.  And, as you can see, Alex is trying to relive it daily.  He made me a special birthday dinner (see picture above) and since he didn’t have a cake in his wooden food repertoire, he found a picture of one in his cookbook to display.  Added candles (tea lights and huge ones) and set up all of my birthday cards.  So sweet….or maybe a hint of what he’s expecting Friday when he turns 4?

As I relished in the facebook, email, cards in the mail, & phone messages, I was so struck this year with the array of people God’s placed in my life.  Students from my teaching days.  Youth group kids (now ADULTS!) from First Presbyterian in Berkeley.  Friends from Breckenridge days.  Westminster Woods alumni, friends and campers (from the 1993-1996 era and then again from 2008-2010).  Teaching colleagues from Marin Elementary.  Friends from elementary, middle & high school in Olympia, WA.  And crazies from Western Washington University.  So many places and experiences.  The chance to be part of the lives of incredible kids, students, summer staffers, peers & communities.

And now, these 3 are my “to infinity and beyond” companions.

My superheros.

Doesn’t mean that the communities I’ve lived in, worked amongst and taught aren’t important or on my mind.  But life has just shifted.  Physically and emotionally and day-to-day.  Moments of creativity, acting and drama look a little different….

Camping looks a little different than at Westminster Woods….

Not sure why we didn’t encourage these guys to come to Sherwood….

I’m sure a Scottish Smurf, an astronaut and Mickey Mouse would have loved camp.

Some days I get very nostalgic for birthdays past.  For locations, experiences, life-stages of years gone by.  But I know that being present in the here and now is the gift and challenge I’m am called to embrace.  A year ago, I would have only had a faint inkling that this would be my reality….

I mean, I KNEW I was pregnant and having a baby and all….but didn’t have those dear hands and feet to kiss and squeeze.  Didn’t know his name.  Hadn’t yet beheld his effervescence.  Didn’t know he’d be born on October 11th.

So for my 37th year, I’m going try and be more in the moment than I’ve managed over the last 36.  I’ve still got a clipboard and fun notebook attached to my person most of the time.  That’s just inevitable.  But, the goal is to look around a bit more.  To savor.  To invest deeper.  To listen.  To breathe and relax when possible.  To laugh (rather than cry!) at the absurdities that surround me.  No matter where life takes us as a family, the transitions we still have in front of us that I can’t even fathom, I want to enjoy it with these companions.  Even though school and “growing up” will take our boys away from the home front sooner than I realize, I hope that they will always feel a place of welcome and love with Matt and I.  That they will want to celebrate life’s moments, big and small, with us, knowing that we are as joyful as they are.

I know I use quotes from Shauna Niequist’s books all the time.  But I just can’t help myself.  She’s just so good.  Read this last night and want to share it…

“Today is your big moment.  Moments, really.  The life you’ve been waiting for is happening all around you.  The scene unfolding right outside your window is worth more than the most beautiful painting, and the crackers and peanut butter that you’re having for lunch on the coffee table are as profound, in their own way, as the Last Supper.  This is it.  This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events.  But pull off the mask and you will find your life, waiting to be made, chosen, woven, crafted.  You and your family and your friends and your house and your dinner table and your garage have all the makings of a life of epic proportions, a story for the ages.  Because they all are.  Every life is. 

You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural.

You are more than dust and bones.  You are spirit and power and image of God.  And you have been given Today.”

7 Months

One year ago, on my 36th birthday, I had our “find out the gender” ultrasound planned at Kaiser.  I {{**KNEW**}} it was a girl.  The pregnancy had felt completely different.  And I was supposed to have a girl.  In my gut, I felt it was an unstoppable train.  Inevitable.  And then the techinician showed us this:

And as I was swearing {while Matt was videotaping the revealing, nonetheless}, she showed us this one to confirm it all.

And then Mr “Not Yet Named” Baby did this, as if to say, “I may be the second born, but I will be number 1….”

Honestly, that was a tough day.  I had been waiting to reveal to friends and family that we were having a girl.  But, all along, Alex had been insisting he was having a brother.  Matt and I chuckled to ourselves, often, about how we’d have to break the news to him that he’d be having a little sister.

After hearing the news and sitting in the car, dumbfounded, we finally took off for our day together to celebrate my birthday.  Matt had planned a surprise lunch in Healdsburg at Barndiva.  Super yum if you’re ever up that way.  So yummy that I still remember I had Goat Cheese Croquettes (with House-made Tomato Jam & Lavender Honey).  Sounds weird, but trust me….heavenly.  Also devoured the  BD Frites (Crispy Hand Cut Kennebec Potatoes & Barndiva Spicy Ketchup) and little slider hamburgers.  But the whole day, I was in a funk.

Finally at dinner, I succumbed and cried over the meal, with Alex sitting right there.  I was a mess.  Luckily, my mom reminded me of the importance of being honest with myself, mourning what I’d expected which would allow me to fully embrace what was unfolding.  And she was right.  It was an important step for me.  Oddly enough, it allowed me to accept being the only female in a family of boys….and now I can’t imagine it another way.

So, as Drew turned 7 months on Tuesday, I was reflecting on what was my new, startling reality, and what the last 365 days had unfolded.  This little gem!

As we’ve been reading, remembering about and being WARNED about….7 months is a pretty big turning point.  I found him across the room from where I’d left him the other day, intently playing with the outlet and 2 power cords.  He started getting visibly angry when I used my “Love & Logic” training to stop him from doing something he wasn’t supposed to do.  “Uh-OH!  That’s so sad.  Time to go to your crib!”   And his reaction, “Thank you for giving me boundaries, Mom!”  Uh, no.  Case in point:

7 months and we’re entering teething fun, getting into EVERYTHING, mobility, boundary setting.  But also beginning to see his personality emerging.  What a ride this parenting gig is.  Just when you think you’ve mastered the schedule, the routine, the likes/dislikes—–everything changes.

As much of a gift as parenting is, it is hard.  And draining.  And all-consuming.  So the fact that Matt surprised me with a night away on the coast for my 37th birthday was beyond exciting.  We did a lot of relaxing, marveling at the quiet time, lack of constant chatter, crying, movement, motion, vigilance our lives now require.  And as a sidenote….all of that is required during a time when your sleep is already compromised.  How do those two things collide so “perfectly”????

Time away always makes me appreciate the boys even more and helps Matt and I to reconnect, talk and be our non-parenting/before children selves.  This meant time to savor a few meals together.  A massage to work on my horrendously torqued back.  Time to sleep in without fear of what the kids were destroying.  An opportunity to hike and do a photo walk on the Ano Nuevo coast.  A chance to walk around Santa Cruz, enjoy the shops, have a leisurely lunch on Pacific Ave. and ice cream at Penny Creamery (shhhhh….don’t tell Alex!).  Rather heavenly.  But after 24 hours, we were ready to be home and see them.  Needless to say, 37 has started out perfectly.  A calm, relaxing beginning to what will be a memorable and adventurous and boisterous year, no doubt.  And Drew, we can’t wait to see what you’ll have cooked up over the next few weeks and months.  We love you, Buggy!

Knowing….

It really amazes me to think about the process of “knowing”.  Maybe there’s some fancy term out there to describe it….metacognition or something like that.  Thinking about thinking??  For me, though, it’s much more of a baseline than that.  I just had the opportunity to learn more about the Five Love Languages in relationship to parenting.  Looking for ways to figure out what makes your kids tick in their deepest places and then seeking to love them in that way.  Or looking at it from a personality perspective, like the Enneagram for kids.

I love these approaches.  And yet….

Something keeps hitting me.  I seriously have NO clue who I’m cohabiting with.  I think I’ve got each of them penned down, nailed down, figured out….and then I’m reminded that each of them (even our crazy, anxiety ridden dog) have new areas to explore and discover and new places for me to get to know.

I remember thinking I knew him so well.

the night we got engaged after Elisa’s wedding (june 2003)

And now know how much MORE I can lean on him physically and emotionally….

a forced smile between contractions {with the non-functional epidural} during Drew’s birth (october 2010)

And geez….CLEARLY I had all the keys and clues to his ins and outs here….

Alex and Mom, June 2007

And am now realizing how much more there is to uncover about him in the years to come…

(who would have predicted this get up 3 years ago????)

So I look into the eyes in that picture of Drew at the top of this post and have now learned to think, “I wonder who will continue to emerge before me” vs. “I know you so well.”  Hard to imagine what the years will hold when the last five months have already seemed so rich and full with this new addition to our family.

And when I’m all overcome with this concept of knowing {and frankly, NOT KNOWING….}, I’m reminded of something that truly seems unfathomable.  God’s ability to know us. In the deepest way.  And to not only know me {yes, I’m self-centered}, but EVERYONE.  That’s freak out material, folks.  At least for me.

These words might be “known” to you, but in my opinion, they bear repeating.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me.

²You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from far away.

³You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways.

⁴Even before a word is on my tongue, O Lord, you know it completely.

⁵You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.

⁶Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is so high that I cannot attain it.

⁷Where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence?

⁸If I ascend to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there.

⁹If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea,

¹⁰even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me fast.

¹¹If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light around me become night,”

¹²even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you.

¹³For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

¹⁴I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; that I know very well.

¹⁵My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

¹⁶Your eyes beheld my unformed substance. In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed.

¹⁷How weighty to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

¹⁸I try to count them—they are more than the sand; I come to the end—I am still with you.

¹⁹O that you would kill the wicked, O God, and that the bloodthirsty would depart from me—

²⁰those who speak of you maliciously, and lift themselves up against you for evil!

²¹Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord? And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?

²²I hate them with perfect hatred; I count them my enemies.

²³Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts.

²⁴See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

~Psalm 139, nrsv