A Weekend Unplanned

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!  We had blessed nothingness on our calendar (except for a chiropractor appointment and church commitments).  That meant lots of room for angst in my mind over days with nothing planned.  Matt and I slogged our way through Friday with low grade fevers, **impossible to swallow, insanely painful sore throat** yuckiness, busy work days and collapsed on the couch after getting the boys to bed.  I was so grateful that nothing was planned.  For once, this type a, need to have everything scheduled girl appreciated the lack of planning and open-endedness of three days off with all of our family home!

We did the basics….laundry, farmer’s market veggie shopping, LEGO building, room sorting/purging {the one MUST do was to locate a lost library book of Alex’s–happy to report, Fred and Ted Go Camping was FOUND!!!!}, painting, cooking, back care, swinging on the swingset, lots of alfresco dining, CAMPING!!! & classic movie watching, Sunday School teaching….and amazingly feel rested, healthier and didn’t have to deal with lots of traffic.  Can’t beat that!

Time and space and maybe…{SCARY!}….GROWING UP!?!?…..has helped me let go of my grasp on the perfectly planned, chalk-full schedule.  To see the value of time spent together, letting go of the need to program and craft a perfect get away.  This week I plan on posting some thoughts from Lauren Winner’s new book Still.  There is so much to unpack from this book–my poor husband had to suffer from me continuously reading quotes to him over the last two days as I devoured it.  It truly is THAT good.  Despite working in the classroom, battling a nasty bug that has left me only wanting to sleep, and with two boys needing our attention, I couldn’t put it down.  It even won out over mindless TV!  Miracles of miracles.  This quote from Saul Bellow that she shared hit me as I was thinking about our schedule, or lack thereof, this weekend.

Look how cute he is….gotta love Nobel Prize Winners!

Isn’t he WISE, though?!?!  ”They labor because rest terrifies them.”  Did you catch that?  ”They labor because rest terrifies them.”  I’m trying to sit with that truth.  That rest terrifies.  That sloth isn’t about lying around doing NOTHING, necessarily, but rather it truly is a “busy condition”.

I don’t have the answers.  I will always struggle with a deep need for control.  But, I’m choosing to keep it “simple” this weekend.  A first step at “resting”–stepping into the “terror” of rest, if you will.  To allow for time in the sun, sprinklers being directed at me by our 19 month old, no-cook meals {this girl attempting vegan, gluten free eating had baguette, brie and dry salami–and pears!!–for dinner}.  More to follow about Lauren Winner and her new book.  For today, though, lots to chew on thanks to Saul Bellow.  Tough truth, but a good one.

Hope you had a great Memorial Day weekend…

off to find flags to photograph for my step-mother-in-law!

Expectations

We had the treat of attending an incredible night of music and speakers at the third annual Notes & Words event last night.  Each year this event brings together authors and musicians to benefit the amazing Children’s Hospital of Oakland, —this year’s show included CAKE, Michael Chabon, John Hodgman, Anne Lamott, Kelly Corrigan.  Kelly Corrigan is one of my favorites and if you haven’t seen this video yet, grab your Kleenex and hop to it.  So many wonderful pieces read and songs sung.  It was truly a perfect combination.

Michael Chabon introduced Anne Lamott and shared four quotes from the MANY one could have offered.  The one at the top, about expectations, hit me the hardest and got me thinking.  As Michael said, it’s one of those quotes that you have to let sit for a minute to really process and take in.

Expectations.  Yes…expectations and so so tricky.  Without expectations, I find that my students and my own children won’t perform up to the level I know they are capable of.  If we don’t push and encourage and prod and create visions, those we work with might settle for “less than” or mediocrity.  Sometimes “the middle place” is a good thing.  I pushed myself way too hard in high school, ending up with an ulcer, attempting to perfect my resume and transcript.  My parents, high school teachers themselves, often pushed me to lower my expectations.

Anne’s quote, though, “Expectations are resentments under construction”, rings true.  When we hold onto a hope for something, anything “out there” in the future, it can often lead us to despair, depression and yes, resentment when things don’t pan out as planned.  Entering into marriage eight years ago and into motherhood almost five years ago has given WAY too many opportunities to list of times when unmet expectations led to resentment.  It’s par for the course, I guess.

Expectations, like anything, have to be born in balance with reality.  This week, I decided to spring a little plan on my students.  We have the ***DREADED*** standardized STAR test coming up in a week.  I thought it would be fun for them to get a little encouragement as they enter into the process.  A reminder that their worth in wrapped up in so much more than a grade on the exam or their performance.  Yet balancing that truth with knowledge that they can do well.  They can push themselves.  And that they can push to do better than they dream possible.

So the STAR Buddy Project was born.  The kids set about writing their letters to their “yet unknown to them” buddies.  I enclosed a picture I took of them back in December, and we sent them off on Friday.  They sat and wrote and wrote and wrote on Friday.  Most wrote 1-2 pages.  This accomplishment felt miraculous.  I told them I was teary eyed over their focus and hard work.  One quipped, “MRS. GOUGH, are you going to CRY!?!?”   No doubt, yes, as any former student or summer staffer can attest to.  I’m a sappy crier.

Again, I attempted to set the expectations high for them.  And they truly rose to the occasion.  Now, the STAR buddies out there (many of which, are YOU guys!!) are receiving their letters and writing back.  I already have two in hand.  One of my friend’s freshman class of college and career readiness students is writing to my class.  Another friend who teaches kids locally has a surprise up her sleeve that’s coming as encouragement.  I can’t wait to start unleashing things, Oprah style.

I don’t want to set myself or my students up for resentment.  We are, on paper, an underperforming school.  We are in program improvement.  There is a lot of pressure to work hard and help the kids show what they can do.  We saw our kids’ multiplication automaticity scores go from 13% to 89% this year.  That took hard work.  Constant practice.  But they did it.

So I keep sitting on the fence on this issue.  Keeping the expectations realistic.  And not sinking into resentment.  These two of our own give a perfect training ground to test and try these theories of expectations.  The more and more I observe and watch them, though, I realize that my expectations are usually blown out of the water…..on both ends of the expectation scale.  They often severely disappoint and many times, surprise and amaze.

I often feel like we are called to be set designers.  To set the scene.  Create the backdrop.  Perfect the setting so that the actors in our midst can be free to shine and grow and take the stage.  And be waiting in the wings to offer grace when the performance doesn’t go as planned.

Extremes

This week we found ourselves in layers of puffy snow gear and days later, layers of sunblock, saltwater and sand.

So are the extremes of California.  Within moments, we also can surf the waves of emotions.  Side splitting laughter one moment and LITERALLY minutes later, inconsolable sobbing.

I find these extremes a daily part of my life.  I might begin the day with a cup of coffee and good intentions for the events to unfold.  Yet, one sibling rivalry too many and my slick veneer is shattered.

Fear over the “what ifs” can keep me from acting, planning and moving forward.  Sometimes the extremes on either end of the spectrum feel too much.  Too much fun might mean missed naps and later meltdowns.  Not enough planned in an effort to ensure calm never fails to produce eruptions of sibling rivalry after two busy boys are “pent up” too long in one space.

Despite this all, I find our family, at the end of spring break, reflecting on the time we’ve spent together over the last seven days.  This has been the first week we have had four members in our family, with a week of time off together, only slated to be at home.  Rather than  planning too much way ahead of time, we scheduled in a few short adventures in between commitments we had at home.  A trip to the dentist, a dad and Alex movie date to the Lorax, me speaking at my MOPS group, a trip to the Sierras for an hour of snow time and 36 hours of Grandma fun, a trip to Happy Hollow with our season passes, a day at the beach to escape the scorching heat blasting California right now, reliving my Railroad Museum field trip days at the Sacramento RR Museum, Drew’s first haircut.  Lots of extremes.  Some regular “routine” tasks (Farmer’s Market and laundry) and other less “regular” adventures.  Each day and adventure held laughter.  Tantrums.  Hunger.  Long cars rides.  Slow mornings.  Skipped naps.  Negotiating.  But these extremes make the memories I hope the boys remember long after the languishing days of Spring Break are over.

School resumes on Monday.  And a whole new set of extremes begins again.  One day with one boy.  Another with two.  A third with neither.  And then two days in a row with my “other” kids—all 28 of them—preparing them for the STAR test (LORD, HAVE MERCY!).

Not every event went perfectly.  But as is usually the case, in the unexpected moments and unplanned sidetrips, in the extremes that bookend every day (or every five minutes), there is the meat of memory.

I had already been working on this post earlier today, unbeknownst to Alex, and he made these two pictures during quiet time.  The first of our day at the beach and the second, our day in the snow.  Guess extremes stick in our minds, even the almost 5 year old versions!

And when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left,

 [to either extreme]

your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying,

‘This is the way; walk in it.’

~Isaiah 30:21

Cutting New Channels

“Love is creative. It does not flow along the easy paths, spending itself in the attractive. It cuts new channels, goes where it is needed.”

~ Evelyn Underhill

Isn’t that truth about love tough to swallow? Wouldn’t it just be EASIER if we could contain, control and command love to do its thing in our prescribed way? We are called to love. To embody Love. To live out Love and be a vessel for it to move and flow and have its way.

But the truth of the matter is that love isn’t easy. It doesn’t take the simple, straightforward, predictable path. It doesn’t always chose the most scenic, idyllic path. It is a journey that requires bushwhacking, trailblazing and paying attention to needs vs wants. It isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always popular. Love doesn’t always say what we WANT to say, our deepest, truest, often darkest emotions. Love pushes us to see below the veneer for something bigger, deeper and wider.

Motherhood has challenged me moment by moment to see these hidden paths of love. Each load of laundry and dishes. Each lunch packed. Every dinner chopped, sautéed and served. Each tooth brushed and poopy diaper changed. One after the other, opportunity upon opportunity to love. To be creative. To carve new paths. To say yes to the unknown and undesirable. It is a moment by moment choice. But sometimes those new channels that must be cut, lead to new paths, new growth and even unexpected joy.

photo taken in Oregon at Munson Falls near Tillamook, Oregon by Matt in August 2009….in a very precarious, scary position….HE is the daredevil photographer, NOT ME!

Eat to Live

I feel like I started TWO new jobs recently…..fourth grade teacher and produce chopper. Both have had their harrowing moments. Both have felt laborious at points. Both have provided times of clarity and purpose. Both have been messy and real. Both have caused me to lose a little weight and sleep. And both have a given me many GREEN moments. Lots of growth, newness, and starting fresh. Luckily with teaching, they still, in 4th grade, smile and hug you and say, “I love you!!!!!!!!” at the end of each day, even when you mess up or things aren’t perfect. With our new eating plan, sadly the the same doesn’t happen audibly. In a way, though, my body is saying it to me subtly….”thank you for starting to care about what you are putting in….and WHY you are consuming it.”.

DPP ’11 // December 29th // Breakfast with my Little Rascal

Such a treat to have breakfast with this little guy.  And rascal INDEED.  While the eldest can be a handful, I can also put away dishes in the dishwasher and deal with laundry without fearing their immediate removal and double the work.    But this guy loves to eat.  Today he put away scrambled eggs and hash browns like a champ…all the while “blowing” on them to cool each bite off.  This “blowing” is really a big raspberry fest meaning EVERYONE gets a share of the fun.  We’ll see if Drew and I can finish off the to do list today before the three others arrive back home.  Happy Thursday!  {I’ll be TEACHING a week from today!  Holy Reality Check, Batman!}

DPP ’11 // December 27th // Boxing Up

It is always a bit of a mix after Christmas….boxing up the decorations is on the to do list, but so is slowing down and enjoying the last few days of vacation. The gift of Christmas lights and trees as I drive down our street at night makes the long, dark days so cheery and warm. So, I mourn the taking down of this season….the fact that our street will soon be dark and light-free all too soon. The gift, though? The chance to move into the New Year and its possibilities and clean slates (and frankly, to take down the decorations without Alex home!) is a welcome replacement. Hopefully that new reality, the newness January gives, will help me put good ‘ol Sufjan Stevens back in the Christmas tubs until next year—to box up the 2011 holidays and move into the next phase.

Drew and I tackled pages of to do lists today and were quite productive—maybe because I also caught up on Season One of Downton Abbey and Return to Cranford? Multitasking at its finest!

DPP ’11 // December 24th, 25th & 26th // Messy Goodness

I read the following quote in a post on one of my favorite blogs, written by Micha Boyett Hohorst—–

“Pious imagination and nostalgic music rob Christmas of its shock value, while some scholars reduce the crib to a tame theological symbol. But the shipwrecked at the stable tremble in adoration of the Christ-child and quake at the inbreak of God Almighty. Because all the Santa Clauses and red-nosed reindeer, fifty-foot trees and thundering church bells put together create less pandemonium than the infant Jesus when, instead of remaining a statue in a crib, he comes alive and delivers us over to the fire that he came to light.”

~Brennan Manning (“Shipwrecked at the Stable” from Watch for the Light: Readings for Advent and Christmas)

And oh, my do I resonate with that.  Faith, and everyday life itself, is pandemonium.  We have survived the holidays.  I hate using the word “survive” because who likes to believe that the celebration of Christmas should be “SURVIVED”??  But, as much as I love all of the elements….the family, the food, the kids being surprised and excited, the special events, the lights, the Candy Cane Lane tea…it is just a lot.  Even in the midst of my extroverted self, I want my own mandated time out some moments.  And yet, even in the overwhelming times, it is ALL GOOD in the midst of the messiness.

I had a “moment” on Christmas Day….Matt was preaching and I was reading scripture in the service.  And thanks to God’s goodness, aka, Matt’s Mom, we actually made it to church on time and the kids were dressed and we’d eaten breakfast and  didn’t even leave the oven on at home on accident.

And I looked at Steve, our head pastor, and jokingly asked if he’d have a flask of Vodka sitting next to my chair in the chancel.  I was THAT tired and just done.  The service began, though, and I finally breathed.  And the moment I’d really been longing and waiting for….a moment of quiet, a time to reflect on it being Christmas, a second to not be surrounded by sweet food and wrapping paper, had arrived.  Even though I would have preferred to stay in my jammies and nurse my unfinished coffee and take a slow morning without the need to rush out, it was a moment I needed.  A mandate to sloooooooow down.  And not just slow down, but also focus on making room for Christ.  Even when Christ is messssy!  Once Matt’s sermon is posted on the website, I’ll link to it here, but it was such a reminder for me.  A reminder that as much as we’d like to take down all the decorations and Christmas mess, or put little baby nativity Jesus back in the tub and stick him up in the attic until next December, well—–it just doesn’t work that way.  Jesus thunders, breaks in and yes, creates pandemonium.

So, here’s a few glimpses at our own pandemonium.  I have too many pictures from the last few days, but here is a few from Saturday, Sunday and today, Monday.

December 24th:  

New Hats for the Cousins from Grandma Judy and Aunt Suzanna

Drew is channeling his inner contemplative lion….

December 25th:

Making it to church, dressed up (pics missing one child in the first, and with Grandma in the second)

Morning presents with the family in jammies

Kermit the Frog puppet fun, Cousin Love, and a New Book for Alex about King Arthur from Uncle James!

December 26th:

Day with Elena!

(including story card telling, homemade gift exchanging and riding to Mars in the “pope mobile” and Alex’s new rocket ship)

As we enter the second half of our 18-day “break”/vacation, I look forward to what the open calendar holds.  I hope to have some time to reflect on the Advent activities we did (and didn’t!!) do, look towards 2012 and do some goal setting, get into the upper rafter of the garage and find some of my essential teaching stuff that’s been packed away for four years, celebrate our anniversary, do some major sorting and purging and—no doubt—experience a lot of the unexpected, and a lot of the expected, pandemonium.

Look forward to hearing about many of your past few days too and holding up those of you who are contemplative this season, reflecting on some hard moments and losses in 2011.  Holidays can make that tough, so prayers of peace for each of you, no matter what the days ahead hold.

Christmas morning sunrise

DPP ’11 // Portraits

 

Due to some East Bay commitments, we spent 24 hours terrorizing visiting Matt’s Dad and Stepmom, Kerry and Leila. A full, wonderful time {parent speak for “boy busyness, altered nap schedules, and all around insanity”}. Alex spent a lot of time coloring and doing portraits of “old people”—us. We loved the fact that Leila’s portrait looked a little like Shrek. That still makes me laugh….12 hours later.

 

DPP ’11 // New Shoes

I snuck these new shoes in and put them on Alex’s bed for him to find after school. He still can’t figure out who gave them to him. He is convinced it was St Nicholas because St Nick found Alex’s shoes to be too smelly on December 6th. This picture is proof of why Drew will not be getting hand-me-down shoes from Alex. There isn’t much LEFT to hand down…