What God Can Do Within the Dust

Mt. Angel Abbey Belltower Door

{Sharon, our associate pastor, read this at the Ash Wednesday service today. I absolutely loved it.}

 

 

Blessing the Dust
A Blessing for Ash Wednesday

All those days
you felt like dust,
like dirt,
as if all you had to do
was turn your face
toward the wind
and be scattered
to the four corners

or swept away
by the smallest breath
as insubstantial—

Did you not know
what the Holy One
can do with dust?

This is the day
we freely say
we are scorched.

This is the hour
we are marked
by what has made it
through the burning.

This is the moment
we ask for the blessing
that lives within
the ancient ashes,
that makes its home
inside the soil of
this sacred earth.

So let us be marked
not for sorrow.
And let us be marked
not for shame.
Let us be marked
not for false humility
or for thinking
we are less
than we are

but for claiming
what God can do
within the dust,
within the dirt,
within the stuff
of which the world
is made,
and the stars that blaze
in our bones,
and the galaxies that spiral
inside the smudge
we bear.
–Jan Richardson

 

Picking up my Postal Worker from preschool,

he yelled out to all the homeless folks in Central Park,

“Look at Mom’s new, cool tattoo!”

The Fringe Hours

Sometimes self care seems extremely selfish.  Making time to invest in oneself feels frivolous.  Often it seems like more effort to push through the barriers and prioritize the things that give life than just sitting on the couch, lapping up reality tv.

Monday morning gave me an unexpected moment to practice this potentially selfish and frivolous thing.  I was shocked to see a clear sky, yellows, pinks, oranges pushing the blue of night away.  I grabbed my coffee and ran out to cozy up on the deck and take in the sunrise.  The birds were singing.  It was so restorative.  Simple.  Free.  Only 15 minutes.  And yet, such a rich, almost indulgent way to start the day.  Truly doing things from the soul allowing me to feel that true river of joy as Rumi coined.

As a Type A girl through and through, known for strong tendencies to overcommit and spread myself thin, I jumped at the chance last November to be part of Jessica Turner’s launch team for her upcoming book, The Fringe Hours.  This book explores the ways the “must dos” of life push out the activities and balance we need to take care of ourselves and our passions.   To see how life giving and life changing it can be to embrace the activities that we love, that allow for self-care.

Women, in general, tend to swing towards guilt and comparison rather than perspective and community and rest.  Success is measured in to-do lists completed and the impossible balanced effortlessly without breaking a sweat or swear word.  Living well can be a very gray area.  Is living well about achievement at all costs or about finding balance?  My calendar might be neatly scheduled but if my family is overwhelmed with to many commitments there is no true balance.

Finding the “fringe hours”, as Jessica writes, requires first looking at the places in ourselves of deeply rooted beliefs.  What pressures do we put on ourselves?  Where do we operate out of guilt and comparison?  When we work on identifying how to prioritize caring for ourselves, we have to first figure out what that even MEANS.  As we approach almost eight years of interrupted sleep in our household, I sometimes find it hard to pinpoint what is life giving anymore.  Sometimes the zoned out mind, comfortably settled on the couch after the boys are in bed feels like the most life-giving outlet I can fathom.

And yet…there is more there under the surface.  For me, reading the Fringe Hours helped me re-tap into these areas of passion.  Photography.  Cooking.  Reading.  Making memory books for my family with photographs.  Traveling. Enjoying a hike or walk with a friend. Sometimes these pursuits feel too decadent, though, and Jessica’s book was a deep reminder to me of the ways these passions can be prioritized and pursued in the time we have.  Standing in line at the post office can be enriched when I have a book in my purse.  Keeping a few notecards in my bag allows for a moment in the waiting room to be used to get a thank you note written.  Keeping my phone memory free to take pictures when beauty crops up unexpectedly allows me to remember my love for framing the world around me.  Planning a fun, unusual meal once a week after reading the latest copy of Bon Appetit.  Sitting down with my eldest and reading together over a cup of tea each night.  He gets in his 20 minutes of required reading and I do too.  Sitting down at the dining room table to actually eat and digest my lunch over that day’s Suduko puzzle. Enjoying a podcast from a favorite author or blogger on my way to work in the morning.  These are the fringe moments that might have passed me by before, but for which I am now keeping alert for.

My Dad just sent me this picture to remind me that my love for photography started young…perfect timing.

***********************

The Fringe Hours isn’t a book to allow maximum time efficiency and thus a perfect, productive life.  Jessica Turner’s goal is to help us see what passions truly make us tick as individuals.  To overcome the fears resulting in comparison and guilt and pursue taking care of ourselves.  The heart of her message is “finding underused pockets of time in [our] schedule and utilizing them for [ourselves].”  To say no to some things.  To prioritize other pursuits to allow for fuller, richer days.

The chapter on “Finding Rest”, the spiritual practice of Sabbath, was the most meaningful for me.  Jessica reminded that if we don’t take time to be still and rest, that we will eventually suffer.  That in “relentless busyness….we have lost the rhythm between work and rest.”  (Wayne Muller)

She quotes Muller again, “Without rest, we respond from a survival mode, where everything we meet assumes a terrifying prominence….Sabbath time may be anything that preserves a visceral experience of life-giving nourishment and rest….the presence of something that arises when we consecrate a period of time to listen to what is most deeply beautiful, nourishing or true.”

Finding the fringe hours isn’t easy, but it is vital for a balanced, rich life.  For me, even reading this book meant finding time to make it happen–during bath time!  (aka:  parallel play at its finest).

I hope you will consider getting your own copy of Jessica’s book, The Fringe Hours.  I was provided with a free copy of her words in exchange for sharing my thoughts here.  But, I couldn’t recommend it highly enough.  You will be asked to do hard inward work, but it is the topic that I find at the forefront of almost all of my conversations these days—how to not loose our truest sense of self in the midst of day-to-day life.  Sometimes we really need the reminder to stop trying to be everything for everyone and start investing in who and what really matters.

***************

The Fringe Hours: Making Time for You

Order where books are sold, including:

Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books-A-Million and DaySpring

Learn more and access resources at www.FringeHours.com

Just Let ME Do It!!!

“MOOOOMMMMM!!!! Just let ME do it….PLEASE!”

 

I gripped my hands together, white knuckles blazing, praying to God while rolling my eyes and sighing deeply. I asked for patience. For a power outage. For a change of heart on his part. For a miracle & automatic proficiency. Nothing. Crickets. Just slow moving of the mouse. Whispering under his breath. And…improperly sized fonts and photo placement.

 

A few weeks back, on a Sunday afternoon (the same day as the NFC Championship Game to be exact) my seven year old decided it was time to produce and direct the creation of this year’s valentines. If you watched or heard anything about that game, you know the last half of the fourth quarter was pretty insane. Being pulled away to set up photo shoots and guide LEGO placement was not my top priority. I am a fair weather sports fan, but seeing the Seahawks in the Super Bowl for another year is pretty exciting for this former Washington State native. And thus, I was a little bit distracted.

 

Each year, we create photo Valentines as they can be a bit more personal and individualized. I have had many parent acquaintances comment that seeing the actual face of their child’s classmate is also helpful with connecting names with identity. Sometimes we’ll doctor up a photo we already took earlier in the past year. For the past two years, however, my eldest has wanted to create a brand new photo narrative all his own.

 

After ruling out “regular LEGOS” (clearly, SO 2014…), he went with a LEGO Movie theme. We cruised Pinterest for snarky, creative sayings that were the perfect marriage of the LEGO Movie with Valentine’s Day. Next, he set about collecting his Mini Figures and building a backdrop, planning each scene of his storyboard, deciding which characters would go with each phrases/themes.

This process sounds serene. Creative. Calm. But….no. It wasn’t. There was shrill yelling. Sighs and Groans. Frustration over uncooperative LEGOS. Annoyance when Wyld Style was nowhere to be found. I kept rushing back to the TV to rewind and see Russell Wilson’s latest intercepted pass or the insane progression that led to the Seahawks win in Overtime. “Mom…aren’t you going to come help me?!? Don’t you CARE?!?!?”

 

It is a delicate balance. Helping. Offering/forcing independence, knowing full well that moments later they will be demanding for US to be hands off, allowing them to “DO IT MYSELF.”

 

“PLEASE, HELP ME.”

 

“MOM! Don’t do it for me! I can DO IT!”

 

Verbal whiplash….over Valentines. Over LEGOS.

 

The holiday focused on demonstrating love and affection through sentimental words—peppered with yelling and cries for independence.

 

Ironic. Don’t you think?!

 

After getting all the shots we hoped for, the game had finally concluded and my blood pressure could lower itself a bit. We trooped upstairs to sit down with the photos and start editing and designing on Picasa. Realizing we needed word bubbles and new fonts, we started researching, with Mom at the helm.

 

Quickly, though, I realized I needed to move to the stool and let him take the reins. I am an elementary school teacher and after fourteen classes of students, you’d think I would apply my pedagogy to my own parenting. Growth, learning and progress are never made by doing the work for the students. My current job share partner has perfected and modeled the phrase for me, “The only way the work goes away is if you do the work.” It would seem so much easier to just do it for them—say the word they are painstakingly sounding out, tell them the answer to multiplication fact they can’t recall, help make their paragraph flow with some choice words or ideas. But we all know that that won’t lead to independence. Rather, it is a delicate balance of guidance, support, silence, and presence that will get us there in the end.

 

So I sat on my hands. I tried to use calm words as I directed him through the steps. And over an hour later, he’d finished. And we both survived, mostly unscathed, even if my face resembled Angry Unikitty behind his back.

Are there spiritual implications for these moments with our children? The daily practice of letting them learn and grow in independence? The hourly opportunities to bite our tongues and let our kids even fail, knowing growth may be on the horizon? I can only imagine the uncountable moments that God doles out patience, supporting us as we slog through the unknown. Watching our decisions when we find ourselves in the frustrating moments when we can choose to grow or stay fixed in our mindset. I’m guessing God doesn’t sit on hands or roll eyes to cope, rather sees the potential in the rocky road ahead.

 

I am grateful for the promise of a companion as I navigate these parenting moments, failing at many turns. An “in person” partner in my spouse, but also another Presence too, the Holy Spirit. Our Comforter. Our Counselor. Our Helper. Our Advocate. Our Strengthener. One who intercedes for us when we don’t have words. (John 14:26)

 

The Holy Spirit shows us the way we should be walking in too…serving as an advocate for our children. A counselor and helper. A strengthener. Not always dishing out words, advice and “let Mommy just do it for you”….but standing with them, guiding, often as a silent presence.

 

This approach to my role as Mom feels impossible to me on most days as I use words, LOUD words, to “guide”, as I am forced to sit on my hands or take a break in my own room behind a locked door to keep myself in check. But as we seek to have this mindset, the mindset the Holy Spirit graciously takes with us, we will realize the reality that we aren’t sent out to do this work alone. We are given this same Comforter, Advocate, Strengthener and Counselor to help us and walk alongside us, even when our own words and actions scream, “Just let ME do it!”.

 

{This post is part of my monthly contribution at Practicing Families.  Feel free to hop over there too!….}

Daily “Yes” & A Winner

What is your “Daily Yes”?  What are the things you say “yes” to each and every day?  Getting up?  Squeezing in a workout?  Coffee?  Work?  Mascara?  Toys from the dollar bins at Target?  Just {{ONE}} more volunteer commitment?  Sitting down with the paper?  Skipping breakfast?  Watching reality tv in the evening?  Putting off bedtime to accomplish one more task?

I am a constant list writer, finding paper lists as one of my daily yeses.  It may house basic mundane tasks, but somedays, without it written down, it just doesn’t get done.  Today’s list included 8 cards I need to finish up and mail.  But…I sat down to lunch first.  Made a hot cup of PG tips tea.  Read the morning paper and did the Suduko.  Put Drew in front of a DVD from the church library.

Lately, as with many new year’s in the recent past, there is a new influx of requests and commitments.  Classes to sign up for.  Events to add to the calendar and plan.  Getting back into the swing of school and work.  And the pressure to do it all.  The conundrum of the urgent vs. the important.

The holidays took a toll on my students and it is palpable.  Divorces are being finalized.  Terminal Illness worsens.  Transiency has lead to some eminent moves.  And as we reflected back on 2014 and are working to set goals for 2015, it has felt a little raw and painful in my classroom.  Change is hard.  Seeing ourselves for who we really are isn’t always full of sparkles and glitter and confetti.

I keep bumping my own head up against the wall of “shoulds”.  I SHOULD say yes to this-or-that commitment.  I SHOULD wash and put away the dishes vs. sitting down and reading the paper.  I SHOULD be planning weeks in advance for school and writing detailed lesson goals.  I SHOULD be doing something…..ANYTHING…but sitting and watching tv.  SHOULD.  SHOULD.  SHOULD.

But this week, I sunk into my book that was coming due at the library and found I have a lot more time in my schedule for reading than I seem to think.  My eldest needs to read each day for homework and we have settled into a rhythm of doing that together, side-by-side on the couch while youngest fights bedtime elsewhere.

Last weekend, on our anniversary, nonetheless, we decided to embrace the crazy plan of heading to Portland to the Oregon Zoo for Zoo Lights on Saturday, our 11th anniversary.  We had plans in Bend but those were cancelled due to illness. Then booked dinner for a fancy place in Albany. We cancelled those in order to take advantage of the last weekend of Zoo Lights. Drove all the way to Portland and “marked time” at Powell’s Books and had a fun dinner at Tilt. New book purchases made our dining a bit more calm and manageable as the kids were occupied. And then the fated drive over to the zoo. Evidently all of Portland had the same idea. Scratch that, all of Oregon. Finally after 45 minutes of stop and go, parking lot mayhem, we decided just to get out of dodge and go home. I was fuming inside. Feeling angry with myself for not knowing what would unfold there ahead of time. For not planning better. Drove home in silence while the kids watched Lion King for the millionth time. About 10 min from home our eldest piped up that it was so much better to be almost home vs almost into zoo lights at 7pm.

I laughed at the resiliency of kids knowing standing in long lines is not their strong suit. That being home was much better. Got the kids to bed and watched a riveting episode of Railroad Alaska (slightly snarky tone) and went to bed exhausted at 9:15. And that was anniversary #11. But this quote from DREW’s book tied it all up in my mind. So so true….”adventure is best enjoyed together.” I am sure we will look back in this and laugh at the “11th Anniversary Adventure.” 

Sometimes the SHOULDS (Zoo Lights) really are too much.  The SHOULDS should be left alone.

The book I’m currently reading (pictured at the top), The Best Yes, focuses not just on saying “yes” or “no”, but thinking about the BEST “yes”.  And really, most of the time, the best yes involves people.  Saying yes to what puts people first, not commitments and events and shoulds.

Luckily the night after the Portland debacle, we still had a wonderful, kid-free night out for dinner.  And saying no to dishes, laundry, the to-do list for a few minutes has been allowing me to recharge.  I am not sure if it’s the foggy layer that has socked in the Willamette Valley this week, but for me?  I am feeling this same need to focus in and stay put and present.  My best yes has been staying more in the moment at hand and not allowing guilt to take over.

Today this mentality allowed me to watch one of my lowest readers light up when he realized he could read an Elephant and Piggie book by the amazing Mo Willems.  As a 3rd grader, reading 10 words per minute, it can be a very painful reality to have so much text thrown at you and feel unable to understand it.  But he GOT Elephant and Piggie and was breakdancing (literally) after reading it cover to cover with expression.

So today’s yes is pushing me to let the moments at hand take precedence.  To take in the red and yellow ninjas, read that extra chapter, struggle through the suduko, play a few extra minutes at the park and let the “shoulds” go.

 

 

* * * * * * * * * *

Back on the 30th, I posted a little giveaway for a copy of Kathi Lipp’s new book, Clutter Free.  And the winner has been chosen via “True Random Number Generator”.  Whitney Hillestad?  Your book will be on it’s way soon…and in the meantime, PURGE PURGE PURGE!

 

Eleven :: Tough as Steel

There are three things extremely hard:

steel, a diamond, and to know one’s self.

Benjamin Franklin

This is my husband.  Preparing for his Children’s Sermon at the Kid’s Christmas Eve service.  Duct tape is useful for all tasks, including attaching a “happy light” as a necklace.

This is how is looked in actuality…

Does he look like a Man of Steel?!?

He DOES have a Superman t-shirt in his closet….

Not sure STEEL is the perfect description, but strong, yes.

Matt’s known for being the sappy one between the two of us.  As I have mentioned here previously, he was the one that cried at our wedding and in the midst of giving many-a-sermon.

Those tears are endearing to me.

* * * * * *

Why am I waxing poetic over Matt?  I try not to talk about him too much here.  He’s not too into public stories and focus being put on him.

{although preaching each week might be the exception}

Today marks 11 years since this…

(posted last year on Instagram)

And in official Miss Manner’s terms…it’s all about steel this year.

So I did some research on steel.

Steel is strong and doesn’t cost a lot.

 It can harden and prevent dislocations.

How do you connect that to marriage?!?

It’s strong?

Yes…but not costing a lot?

Not feeling that one.  Marriage does cost a lot.  It isn’t easy and man alive, we have a ways to go.  So much to learn and practice.  Lucky Us!

We can and do “harden”, hoping it prevents emotional dislocations.

Isn’t that the way of relationship?

“If I just grit my teeth, grin and bear it,

we’ll push our way through?!”

The more I see this approach play out, though, I’m convinced it isn’t so productive.

Maybe, as Anne Hillman wonders, it is more about “permeable aliveness” vs. old choices and clear-cut answers.

Possibly old ways need to die so that something new can be born?

Perhaps (ya think?!?) vulnerability is at the root of this “new way”?

Learning to Love and Look with Uncertainty?!

Yes.  Yup.  Yessiree Bob.

This year, we will celebrate 11 years.

I am in major purging mode, so every gift idea keeps getting shot down in my own head.

We loved sipping Moscow Mules this summer, so I pondered splurging on the special STEEL hammered mugs we saw recently downtown.

{Inkwell, you slay me everytime.  Corvallis locals, you know what I’m saying!}

I thought it could be fun, dramatic.

Maybe slip in a tasty Vodka, a lime and Trader Joes’ amazing new ginger beer?!

Those glasses are one more thing to store and we really had no trouble enjoying MANY a Moscow Mule last summer in our normal everyday glasses.

Specialty glasses for every drink?  Not thinking that’s necessary.

So, I’m “settling” for dinner out after a (no doubt) busy day with the boys.

Maybe we can hold an entire conversation.

Complete thoughts and sentences.

Think a bit about the year ahead and what it means to know oneself (thanks, President Franklin) and reflect a bit on true strength with my Man of Steel.

Happy 11th, Matty!

* * * * * *

Previous Anniversary Posts:

Ten

(and Palm Springs 10 Year Anniversary trip here)

Nine

Eight

Seven

Reads from 2014

As in 2013, I decided to document the books I read this year.  I know I’ve missed some for sure, but it was fun to look back and remember the ways I was stretched and grew through the amazing words and ideas of others.  It is tough to make time for reading {read through the lines….I AM ADDICTED TO REALITY TV WHEN I AM BRAINDEAD AT NIGHT}, but some of these books have really moved me.

 

Without further Adieu…My 2014 Reads

On “Simple Living”:

Clutter Free by Kathi Lipp

Notes from a Blue Bike by Tsh Oxenreider

Simplify:  Ten Practices to Unclutter Your Soul by Bill Hybels

Fiction:

One Plus One by Jojo Moyes

The Rosie Project by Graeme Simison

Tell the Wolves I’m Home by Carol Rifka Brunt (this arched over 2013 and 2014!)

Sisterhood Everlasting by Ann Brashares

Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell

Theology/Spirituality/Faith:

Learning to Walk in the Dark by Barbara Brown Taylor

Stiches by Anne Lamott

Speak by Nish Weiseth

Jesus, Feminist by Sarah Bessey (another 2013/2014 read)

Found by Micha Boyett

Let’s All Be Brave by Annie F. Downs

Parenting/Self-Help:

The Fringe Hours by Jessica Turner

Hands Free Mama by Rachel Macy Stafford

Blessing of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel

Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster W. Cline (perpetually on my nightstand…sorry church library!)

Some of the “Kid” Read Aloud Favorites:

Wonder by R.J. Palacio

ANYTHING by Roald Dahl

Yeti Files by Kevin Sherry

Magic Tree House Series by Mary Pope Osborn

Operation Bunny by Sally Gardner

Ungifted by Gordon Corman

Dr. Seuss Favorites (over and over)

Elephant and Piggie Series by Mo Willems (Drew’s favorite!!!)

MANY books for school/teaching including all of the Caldecott Winners, The Moon Seems to Change, The Case of the Gasping Garbage, and many many many more…

attempted The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien

Biography/Autobiography/Memoir:

The Anteloope in the Living Room by Melanie Shankle

Glitter and Glue by Kelly Corrigan

Thrive by Arianna Huffington

When We Were On Fire by Addie Zierman

Spelling It Like It Is by Tori Spelling {I know…judge me now}

Cooking/Memoir:

Prune by Gabrielle Hamilton

The Forest Feast by Erin Gleeson

Delicious and Garlic & Sapphires, both by Ruth Reichel

Delancy by Molly Wizenberg

Make it Ahead by Ina Garten

and….lots of magazines!

Hoping to read a LOT in 2015.

Looking forward to:

(yes…5 of these are holdovers from last years list!)

Small Victories by Anne Lamott

The Invention of Wings by Sue Monk Kidd

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

Beautiful Ruins by Jess Walter

The Paris Wife by Paula McClain

Surprised by Motherhood by Lisa-Jo Baker

Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand

Blue Horses by Mary Oliver

Yes, Please by Amy Poehler

Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty

The Best Yes by Lysa TerKeurst (on my nightstand now)

Called by Mark Labberton (again…on my nightstand…cracking it open next!)

And coming in March 2015…Savor by Shauna Niequist (I may not sleep until this is out!!!!)

Hide & Seek at 26 Degrees

 

You’re jealous, right?  I played Hide and Seek with Drew at 7:00am outside and it was TWENTY-SIX degrees-ish..

 Sally, our dog, joined in too.

I was trying to capture this…

 

and this…

 

but Drew thought it was all a fun game.

Mommy out in the yard before the sun.

In her PJs.

In her socks.

Squealing from the cold.

Yelping at the views that kept getting brighter and brighter.

Sally was jumping around like a deer…cold paws?

I couldn’t decide which of the three pictures would be for today’s last image, so my last December Photo Project shot for 2014 is a collage.

Cheating, but oh well.

Last night, while walking to our neighbor’s house for dinner, Drew exclaimed,

“Look at the moon….it looks like golden treasure!”

So….

Here’s to a 2015 filled with—

Looking Up (see last year’s thoughts on that here)

Finding the “treasure” in the everyday

and jumping into the seemingly silly moments, like hide and go seek in freezing temperatures.

Happy New Year’s Eve!